I feel so alone.. will anyone ever see me?
I guess i should start with an image... I am a 31 year old white male from a small island nation in the south pacific,
i have an athletic build, tattoos and piercings. My appearance has been described as both "attractive" and "intimidating".
I have a high IQ and am usually the person called upon to answer questions when others cannot.
I have many natural talents. I am a great artist, technology is simple to understand, philosophy, psychology, emotions.. all are things that have never really challenged my mind.
So why then am i unable to take my own advice?
I think about suicide everyday..
I never smile.. i speak only when i have to.. my teeth are falling out of my head.(the deal breaker it seems) i am more than my lack of teeth.
no one ever says anything. i dont care anymore, i never brush them. i think i am punishing myself but i don't know why?
I am on social welfare and have been for most of my life, i never tried to make money from my talents even knowing it would be successful. am i afraid to succeed? am i lazy? why won't i try?
I'm thinking about suicide right now... right as someone is asking if i can fix their virus infested computer... why can't they see how sad i am? Please.. just see me!
They are walking away now... I am so alone.
I feel more alone in a crowd than i do by myself so i spend all my time by my self as to not feel so alone.
I am Bi-Polar... un medicated now. stupid i know but as alone as i feel its better than not feeling at all. prejudice appears and im alone again
I'm thinking about suicide more than usual today.
i had a normal upbringing, alcoholic father who used a leather strap and a half folded jug cord to "teach me respect" i thank him for that, he also to this day is proud of my natural artistic talent, i thank him for that too, i haven't produced any form of art in over a year, and no one has asked why?
my mother was always very kind, she taught me about spirituality and kindness, i thank her for that, i put on a brave face for her so she dosn't have to worry
but i think she knows. i have siblings all younger than me all with lives and family's of their own. i am the "fun uncle" im good at wearing "happy eyes".
but im a fake, its all for show.. i am so alone i am so sad and im standing right here.
I have no real friends no girlfriend none i speak to every day or even every week for that matter , no one to talk to where i don't have to explain every thing beforehand i can only talk with myself for so long before people start to look.
im afraid to leave the house even though i am physically intimidating and have nothing to fear. i am a gentle giant. i am alone.
I could never kill myself, i just dont have it in me. i dont want to upset anyone. i dont want to be alone anymore, i just want to die, is this the ride or am i just waiting in line? i feel ashamed for wanting this. there are others around the world living lives i wouldn't wish upon anyone so why should i complain? what right do i have? ... i don't.
Suicide is here again.. i don't want to be by myself right now
I don't want to be alone anymore.
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