This might be the wierdest thing I ever done, but here is my story. First of all, I thought that this was a stupid site. But then I realized that it can be helpful to read about other people in the same situation, because it makes you feel like you are a part of something. At least for me. I will still be alone, but I am not the only one.
So let's start. I am a 17 year old girl, soon 18 tho. I live in Sweden. My life was pretty okey until i turned 16 and the hell begun. I lost all my friends because I was different, I didn't want to party with them. I didn't want to smoke woth them. I rather stayed home and read books or whatever. And one day I realized, I had no friends. No one called me and asked me to hang out with them. No one waited for me at my cabinet in school. No one said hello to me in the corridor. Well, no one except the teachers.
My self esteem has never been good, but at this point it was really at the bottom. I spent the lunches in the facility. I have never been very outgoing, but now I felt like I had a social disability. Or social phobia. Because I were afraid of people. I couldn't talk to them at all, even if I had things to say the words wouldn't come out through my mouth. I just wanted to become invisible. I didn't want people to see me, because I didn't want them to think mean things about me. I could see in their eyes that they thought I were like the wierdest person ever, which I probably am..
So in the end, I couldn't go to school anymore. I had panic attacks, panic disorder and sometimes even suicide thoughts. And I told myself everything was my own fault. I hurt myself just to let my brains concentrate on the physical pain instead of the mental pain, at least for a while. So I just stayed in my room with the blinds down. I didn't open a window. I didn't went ouf for frech air, for like three months. It was the worst part of my life. And what I hate the most, is when people is like "don't worry, be happy!". I AM NOT HAPPY.
I still think my life sucks, and the first thing i think when I wake up in the morning is "fml". Lol, I can't help it. And tomorrow I will start school again, after being home for six months. But I will have my own room, becuase of my social phobia. I feel so different and wierd. I just want to be normal, no matter how boring it is.
Thanks God for writing, it has became my saviour. So I am just wondering if anyone would like to chat, or just talk. Cause I am at the computer often and I don't have much to do. So I created a new e-mail just for this, just email me if you want to talk some hours away, at: jasminecobaain@hotmail.com
Take care or something. | |
this is actually my email, random-junkmail@gmx.com
email me.
random-junkmail@gmx.com
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