So i don't know where to begin. Well, let's start early in my effing life.
So I used to be autistic. Not severely, but still sort of autistic. I was in a public school. Church of England school. Everyone thought I was wierd as I wasn't able to comprehend what people meant by what they were saying easily. I was happy with life then. I was a little kid. I loved the world.
When I was ten, I had practically fought off, yes, fought off autism. I still didn't have many friends cause people used to think I was wierd. I didn't like football either. I played other sports like baseball, swimming, and track running.
During the time I was 11, I was in a middle school. I managed to make some friends. They didn't quite understand me though. I didn't feel like they were true friends. I did really well in my SATs exams and went on to get straight As and sometimes Bs throughout the next two years.
I'm 14 now. And Im bored to hell, unpopular, and everyone always acts like an arsehole to me. Every guy that acts like a prick gets the fun, the good physical ability, the girls, the friends. And they are complete jackasses.
Now, my grades are dropping. I'm getting Ds and Cs no matter how long I study and how calm I try to stay in tests. I'm doing my GCSEs throughout 2 more years, and they stress me out. My parents think I can achieve good grades and get lots of qualifications just becuase they did, yet they think I have my head up my arse. Everyone patronises me and I feel so pissed of at them. Everyone at school seems shallow-minded and happy, oblivious. I have nothing to do and I'm bored to death. I just game and play squash in my free time. My parents let me have lessons.
I nearly commuted suicide a year ago. I slit myself on the wrist and was about to stab myself through the ribs, but something in the stem of my brain made me stop. This fucking will to live even though I don't want to anymore!
I met a girl recently. She was in my science classes for quite some time. She was really pretty. She had blonde hair dark blue eyes and a slim, slender build, with smooth legs and smallish hands. I fell for her, but for a while I couldn't bring up the guts to speak to her, cos one of my only friends, this guy who life is practically sucking up to and showering with good luck and joy, started chatting her up. They looked like they really liked eachother, and I was green with envy at him. He is like, a natural at EVERYTHING! He plays two instruments, is friendly with everyone, smart, wealthy and I dunno if he's good looking or not. Can't really say.
He went on holiday. And then I made a move. Chloe just wanted help with some work, so I helped her. I just then sorta asked her about anything interesting shed been doing recently and I started telling her about my family, where I live, told her about squash on her request. She was so sweet and kind. She was a good listener, and had a soft yet hearable voice. We chatted every day during science lessons while we worked. She gave me a confidence I'd never felt before. I started to try even harder in my studies and I made good progress.
One day, the day before David came back, she inched her leg toward mine under the table. I noticed but shed thought I hadn't. Then we started playing "footsie". it's just where people sorta prod eachothers feet and shit under a table. Lol. And I knew, she really liked me. So I started working out twice a week, and I managed to get a paper round. I had enough money to take her on dates and stuff. Maybe take a bus into town go to the movies or whatever. The. She told me she was moving but she didn't know when. So two days later I was going to get a phone number, but she'd already left. She was two hours away from where I lived and I'm not allowed to go that far on my own. I knew the street address but not the house number. I checked facebook and searched and searched to try and find her but she wasn't on facebook. I had nothing that connected me to her anymore. Only my love for her.
I long to see her every day and every night, but my grades have fallen again, I get bullied. Like stuff gets nicked out my bag. Once my phone got stolen and pictures I'd rather not talk about were put on it. I punched a kid and I regret it. My parents think I'm insecure cause I game and I broke a window and I had to pay for it and I have not much cash left. My grades are low and I'm sad and bored and now lonely.
My few friends don't talk to me anymore because I've become a bigger wreck than I was already.
And I'm apparently supposed to be grateful becuase I have food to eat and a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in while other people don't.
Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger my arse!
Whatever doesn't kill me just makes me want to kill myself. | |
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