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they dont care so why should i

Posted by tiara at August 30, 2011
Tags: 2011 August  Family  Juvenile problems

Im just going to go by nickname which is stated above. I guess thats not really important im here because maybe someone has a grudge against im talking about the spirit world. Maybe i was evil in a past life and this is what i get it. And so like the rest you im here cause my life sucks.
I never saw it coming there was all these happy times at first wed never been to disneyland but hey who cared if your dad could hoist you up on his shoulders and sing aladdin songs to you nothing else mattered. If your mom woke you and your brother and sisters in the middle of the night for ice cream who cared. WE were fortunate. Then mommy lost her job all of a sudden my mom was left at home with us spankings occassionaly to keep us in line. Who knew where my dad he stayed out sometimes 10 to 11 and somehow all the stuff my mom and dad put eachother through there still together and they dont like eachother. Through those bad moments they never physically hit anyone though they lost control with my oldest sister and had a couple of battles with her. But in there defense my sister left some marks on them in her rage and it started over with me and i had marks my dad had marks everyone had marks at one point. And i was the most sensitive couldnt cope so what do they do with people who cant cope they cage them up in mental hospitals not once but just to many times to count. What happens to people in mental hospitals well your given all these blah blah blah and then skimmed down to the last section you can be restrained or secluded if the staff feels your a danger to others or yourself well in the second hospital i went to my friend cursed the staff out i had not known at the time were the staff gave injections but in the hospital each time i went i became a little more nuts i didnt take my psycho medicine but i was aware of everything i did and i was so scared. AN iv was one thing which i got in the first hospital which i can probably say is a lot worse cause your restrained at the time then drugged up twice so you wont fight. But a needle in your butt is no fun either. Since i turned 18 whenever i go to a mental hospital im forced meds if not orally then injectable until i stop refusing. They dont care about you in there so if your feeling bad dont expect to much kindness after all how can you want to leave this perfect world. Today i go to the hospital at least once or twice a week for suicide attempts everytime i act crazy fighting kicking biting refusing to listen to orders and then they call my mom and i go home. Cause iim not really suicidal im just doing these things for some random reason no ones come up. They`ve threatened to take me to jail twice but didnt and when i wanted to stay in the hospital they forced me to go home. I should have ran out in the street in front of the car then as i lay there theyll probably say shes not really injured lets send her home then i go home crippled for the rest of my life. And i go to nami they dont fin help because im eighteen and everyone is older im not as important and beside there mental illness are mental mine is physical or didnt i mention a bout the conversion disorder well ill just say my first trip to the hospital was in a wheelchair cause i couldnt walk. Who the hell can relate to someone who has a mental illness thats also physical plus i dont have any kids im not bipolar im something a lot of peoeple havent heard of. And at my therapist office im not even allowed to go to group till i stop attempting to kill myself good luck with that i saay to my therapist and the psychiatrist and docotr. Speaking of doctor i may have messed up my heart got to do some crazy test i hope it doesnt hurt then again maybe i hope it does its been a long time since ive felt pain i was once a burner and cutter but mostly have given it up. Im also trying to help a friend that everyone else has given up on and i dont want to yet. So i argued with another friend about her and now i feel bad cause i dont know what to do who to believe who to trust. My sister hates im talking about the little one whos actually 13 she bit me the other day cause i was trying to get her not to watch this bad show. I know she hates me for trying to leave her but i cant change the past and the whole suicidal nature has just become apart of me she has to learn to deal and before you say im selfish for ever trying to kill myself then ill tell you this the selfishness is equal because if im selfish for wantint to die that means other people are selfish for wanting me to endure the depression the pain from the depression and the anger and the mania for wanting someone to endure such suffering is selfish to and i think there are only certain other people in this world who can make me believe otherwise and i havent found them yet and until then life sucks because ive never had anything except the bad things coming my way


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Comments:
By Suhel at 28,Oct,11 03:06

Read about (ASLAM) , 100% you will find the right way , I will keep you in my thoughts and I will remember you in my prayers. Best wishes . From a guy in this wold ( your brother : Suhel). from Saudi Arabia Please E-mail me if you need to know anything about Aslam ( sohailana10@hotmail.com )
By anonymous at 28,Oct,11 03:10

Sorry this is the right E-mail Suhelmjt10@hotmail.com


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