My mother always loved my brother, but never showed me much of love. But I know she loves me, somehow she does. My dad was always pointing out how wrong, and dumb, and stupid I was. And he always started screaming with me when I messed something up, or even when I didn't made anything wrong. I was always competing with my bro, but I always lost. Always! He got everything that mattered to me, my mom's love, friends, he was stronger than me, got medals and shit...
In school, I tried being a nice person, and making people to like me. But I failed. I failed from my first class, to this day. People avoided me, made funny of me. But I got some friends. I only managed to get a girlfriend at 16 years old, after being lied by my virtual gf.
Somehow, I know I can turn this game on, I know that all that pain and all that shit was somehow my fault. Not in a bad way, but it was all responses on actions and choices I've made!
I don't want to kill myself, I don't want to die. But I hate a lot of people that I have to see everyday and live with, people that I wanted to love, but I can't.
I really don't know what I want in life, I'm scared to make full blown decisions that I can't turn them back. I'm afraid to see my life passing on my eyes, with me doing nothing but logging on facebook, twitter and living a fake virtual life.
I'm smart, beautiful, strong, passionate about life. But shit, I don't know why everything is so hard, why everything fails when I try. It makes me tired to try more. Sometimes, I feel this life is not for me. I was sexually abused by an professor, three times, I'm not gay. But I keep having nightmares, about gay themes. I don't feel any attraction with man, but those nightmares are so disgusting.
I spent my whole life collecting memories for the future, and now that the future has come, all I see is shit. Horrible things, wiht no light and grace in them.
I don't want to be a failure, I just want to be free, to live a normal life, reach my goals and relax my heart. I don't want things to be so difficult. If I could rerun my life... but I can't, and I don't know what to do with my life now.