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i want to die really bad

Posted by anonymous at September 11, 2011
Tags: Anxiety  Health  2011 September

I've had anxiety all my life even as a child. Got bullied really bad from my best friend in gr6-7, still haunts me to this day. Had really bad anxiety in junior high, went on medication, got better but then I got off of it because i thought i was ok(big mistake) then anxiety came back full force so I started smoking pot to fit in and deal with anxiety (really bad idea) Got so paraoid and crazy from it after half a year I went into psychosis and got diagnosed with schizophrenia. Gained 100 pounds from psychiatric medication. Went to collage but too stressful so i dropped out. Ever since I dropped out things have been worse. I now have chronic fatigue syndrome so I cannot lose the 100 pounds I've gained, also have IBS really bad, so out of shape that i can barely walk down the street. Also I've been getting bronchitis almost every year that lasts months. I'm on all of these medications and I was now told that I probably don't have schizophrenia and I can't get off of them because of severe withdrawl symptoms. I havent worked in 6 or more years and i stay at home all day by myself. only have a few close friends but only see them barely once a month. it seems like everyone has everything better than me, they are skinny/pretty, have good health and lots of friends when i have to sit at home crying and suffering and i just want to die.


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By anonymous at 14,Nov,11 22:32

please don't die. u have to believe there is so much more to u that u haven't proven to the world yet.
i was also bullied by my best friend in 8th grade. she made friends with a bitchy girl in our school, and for the entire year, they told everyone in school that i was a lesbian. I am in my late 20's now, but at that time, i honestly had no idea what a lesbian really was. It didn't make sense to me, and I didn't understand where any of this came from. I guess I was really sheltered or whatever. I cried every single day. Then, the day after the school year ended, my 'friend' called me to say, 'oh, let's be friends again'. I was so shocked but relieved to have it all over that i said ok. We didn't really talk until a year or so later, but she was amicable to me. We ran into each other after college, and started talking. She apologized- she didn't know why they made up that rumor, but said she bullied me because all the girls in her sleep away camp bullied her. She put me through hell because other people put her through hell. It sucked. I'm married to a wonderful guy now, and she ended up walking down my aisle at my wedding. Honestly though, I still get annoyed that I had to deal with all that shit. I developed really bad anxiety because of this, and it comes and goes at random times. Now it's gotten bad, and each day is a struggle. I try.
Can your doctors slowly take you off some of these meds? Like switch to half pills or something? I was on anxiety meds for a few years but had to get off them because my husband and I want to have kids. It sucks, and my anxiety is terrible. Every minute I think I may be pregnant and my heart races, and I freak out because I feel like I'm nauseus all the time.
If you haven't worked in many years, you have to think about what you can do to be productive. Write a book about your life. Seriously. I started writing and it helps me so much. Think of how many people you can help. If you read all the posts on this website, you'll see how many people are struggling. YOU can help them! And by doing so, you give yourself purpose. Don't be upset about the weight gain- remember, most people in the world are obese, and 100 pounds isn't as bad as 300. Go slowly, and try to find things that can slowly change the stuff you don't like about yourself. You should feel liberated that you probably don't have schizophrenia. That's amazing!! Look at this as a gift because you are capable of doing so much more!
I read on another post that someone wrote "you have to be your own cheerleader", and you have to believe "you are destined for greatness". It's helping me power through things, and gives me the courage to fight. Things could always be worse, and prove to the world that you can do so much more than what people may see. And do it.
Please don't give up hope. Baby steps, as they say.


By anonymous at 15,Nov,11 22:26

wow!! well said OP. I couldn't have said it better myself. Don't give up. You should definitely write a book- think of all the crap that's happened to you as raw material for your book. Let us know how it's going- I'll buy the first copy!! Hang in there, just breathe.


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