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I give up

Posted by Aj at September 14, 2011
Tags: Anxiety  Family  2011 September

Let me give you some background: When I was around 9, I started developing anxiety issues. Around that time, my dad was constantly angry and sometimes abusive, and my parents would argue every night (and still do). One night my dad just lost it and broke my mom's nose. I loved my parents, but after that I hated my dad for doing what he did. My mom kicked him out of the house for a few months. When he got back, my mom discovered that he was an angry drunk and had been hiding odorless booze from her, so she kicked him out again. But once again, it was just temporary. They got back together, but everything has stayed the same. Every night I would sit in bed and cry myself to sleep. Then I gave up on crying when I was 10 and haven't shed a tear since. I'm so disgusting. Relatives got sick and died, and I just sat by and watched. I don't even care anymore. That all was 6 years ago. Now I'm 15, and I am fucking sick of my life. I have no self-confidence, no motivation, and no self esteem. I hate myself. I'm ugly, I'm stupid, I'm slow, I have no athletic ability whatsoever. Every fucking day I sit at school while my brain rots and I pretend to be happy. I have a few friends, but every day they seem to not want to be around me, and I am disturbed because I don't want to be around them. I try to make new friends, but nobody wants to be friends with me. I home schooled until I was in 7th grade and went to a weird private school in 7th and 8th, where everyone hated me. The only friends I made while I home schooled ditched me, and I never talk to the ones I made in middle school anymore. I'm quitting on them, I'm quitting on school, and I'm quitting on life. Now I'm a freshman in high school. People are putting me down because I'm a ginger, because I'm thin, because I'm "boring," and because I am too hard on everyone. I make the most douchebag comments and I'm not afraid to hurt someone's feelings, but if I do I get anxiety and have panic attacks and shit. I don't tell anyone about it though. I have never been in a relationship, I don't even remember any girl ever liking me. I doubt anyone ever will.
Recently I began talking to a friend who I just recently met. She told me that she would be there for me if I ever felt bad. But whenever I text her, she just texts back meaningless stuff like "you wanna talk tomorrow?" And we can never find a time to talk anyways. She is really cool and popular, and I'm just the stupid kid who everyone pretends to like. My parents hate me, my friends hate me, my friends parents hate me, and I honestly hate most of them as well. Every night my mom and dad yell and scream at me for not being a good student, and then they scream at each other because they have a terrible son. My mom has actually told me that all she cares about is my grades and nothing else. I rarely talk to my dad. I have a twin brother who is a complete douchebag and for some reason he's really popular, and I look like a retard next to him. I used to talk to my dog all the time because she was the only one who understood me, but then she died because my mom left her outside and she got heatstroke. I blame God. I prayed to him months earlier for things to get better, and BAM he fries my fucking dog! God never answers my prayers, so I'm starting to give up on him.
The only thing I find good is music. I play guitar for hours every day. I just don't get enjoyment out of things anymore, except for guitar. Guitar gets in the way of homework, homework gets in the way of grades, and then that pisses off my parents, who are obsessed with finding new ways of making my life miserable. I feel like nothing I do matters. If I tell the truth, I get punished for it because it's never good. If I lie, it bites my ass later. Every night I contemplate suicide, but I'm too scared to try it. I cut myself and I try to hide it, but the rumor is getting out already. Sometimes I even doubt my sanity. I think these weird and twisted thoughts that rival Silent Hill games and Happy Tree Friends. Life is the same thing over and over again. Fuck it, I'm quitting if I ever get the guts to shove a knife in my chest. I quit everything, why stop at living?


Votes:


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New Comment

Comments:
By anonymous at 08,Nov,11 06:37

1. Study. Don't think about anything else.
2. Study.
3. Learn to appreciate yourself.
4. Once you like being around yourself, people will start to like being around you too.


By anonymous at 09,Nov,11 18:08

You have described the way I used to feel. You are seeing the world through the eyes of a depression. Don't give up, you haven't seen everything, life isn't the same thing over and over, you are just stuck right now. It will pass. Getting punished for telling the truth is confusing, doing boring homework is temporarily depressing. What is pushing your self esteem down is that you are not making yourself do things you don't want to do. Play music, but give it to yourself as a reward for doing your homework. Trust that in time you will meet people who you like and like you - your loneliness is temporary - it just feels like forever while you are in it. Prayers are never answered - you can't control the future, but you can begin to control your present, and with time, you will feel better.


By anonymous at 10,Nov,11 15:30

tldr; why don't you turn to prostitution? They say sex makes the happy chemicals.


By anonymous at 14,Nov,11 21:55

Hi Aj,
Honestly, I used to feel the EXACT same way you do. NO joke. It truly sux when u feel like u don't have a strong support system. I remember in 4th grade... i got so fed up with everything.. i was so bored of life. i got up in the morning, went to school, came home, tried to do some homework, watch a little tv, eat dinner, go to sleep, and repeat the same thing the next day and the next. i asked myself how this could be it for me?? wasn't there something more?? i kept dragging myself along, with no feeling and hating every moment of it. i could write a book about my life story, and all the shit i put up with... but reading what u wrote really made me want to write to u.. (let it be known this is the first time i've decided to comment on anybodies posts...)
i'm now in my mid-20's, and somehow i've powered through the horrors of being a lonely, depressed teenager. here is my heartfelt advice to u:
U have to be ur own cheerleader. Seriously. it sounds stupid but u have to tackle each day thinking "i'm awesome". U need to take a good look at urself and write down every little thing that u like about urself. write down every little positive thing that anyone's ever said to u. And always go back to this list, and add things when u can. A quote that helped push me through things is this: you have to believe u are "destined for greatness". Know that u have so much potential that u may not see right now. I promise u things will get better. u may not see it right away, but it will. u have to remind urself that u are a strong person, much stronger than u realize! think of ur future kids... u owe it to them to take care of urself now, pick a perfect mom for them, (whether u meet her in high school, college, or after), and give them the best chance possible to make their mark on the world.
U can't rely on others to make u feel great, u have to do that for urself. u need to find things that u love to do, even small things, or things that make u happy. Hold on to these things, and use them as tools to help better ur mood.
Even though u may be pissed at God now, believe that everything he puts in ur way is a test, and that he would never do anything to u that he knows u can't handle.
Things WILL get better, but u have to like urself. It may be hard, but remember u are the only Aj in the whole world, and no one can replace u!
Please don't give up, baby steps... and remember, being a ginger is amazing!! Be proud! And homework sux, it always has! Just power through it and do the best u can. It WILL pay off, and ull have more to be proud about. Ur parents may not be doing a good job at parenting, but don't let that hurt u!
Remember, "You're destined for greatness".


By anonymous at 15,Nov,11 22:34

Yeah, I totally agree with the comment above! One other thing though- did you ever tell your parents how you feel? I can almost guarantee if you tell your parents you honestly think you are depressed, have been cutting yourself, and need help... they will for sure ease up on you knowing that you are going through all this. I'm sure they will send you to a therapist who is trained at helping people with these kinds of issues. I have had some anxiety throughout my entire life, and have seen a therapist here and there. I always felt amazing after every session because I was relieved that someone else was helping me through everything. I wasn't in this alone anymore. It was so liberating. You should really consider it. And be positive. This time in your life will be over soon and things will be different in college. People are much nicer, it is easier to make friends, and you can actually meet people who you have more in common with. Hang in there, and love yourself.


By anonymous at 21,Nov,11 12:56

You again deadman..what a shame...


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