So I'm that guy that everyone (meaning mostly the people my mom works with) thinks I'm that perfect son that ne'er gets in trouble and does his work, so on and so forth. But the truth is my whole life is a fucking lie, at age 10 was when I first started using drugs, and now 7 almost 8 years later just graduated rehab for abusing weed shrooms ecstasy and acid. Where's that perfect kid now right? Anyway so everytime I go into my moms work (as part of keeping an eye on me which I completely understand) I have to lie and pretend to be a perfect little angel with the perfect home life. But the truth is that I have been abused by my father since I was a little fucking twerp. Most recently I'm to blame for his miserable life and can't do anything he tells me to do right, which results in him trying to KILL me by throwing me off the roof of out house. Then on top of that I find out from my mom that since I was five he has been explaining how awful cubans are to me, and my mom is half Cuban. So subconsciously I've hated that part of me and my mother for ages because of his brain washing. And this is without mentioning the duplicity of everything that is said in my house, as in every time my father opens his mouth I am constantly trying to figure out what he is playing at or what he really wants or what does that actually mean. So now they are going through a divorce and I'm suddenly the adult in the family. What I mean by this is that I have to emotionally support my mother and tell her how everything is going to be okay and it's going to work out, along with doing the same for my father who has been physically and emotionally abusing my for basically my whole life. Even with that responsibility I can't be trusted to hold a job for fear of what I'd do with the money or even walk a block down the street for a slurpie from the 7-11. Anyway the only thing that was keeping me from falling apart before were my friends because for the short amount of time I would spend with them would get my mind off of things just enough to keep me from going insane. But now non of them want to be around me because they found "better" friends. What I really need is some kind of relationship to help distract me and show me the light of life again. But I've never had a girlfriend, and I'm not fat unattractive or socially awkward. And recently since I've felt so empty for god knows how long I've resorted to intentionally causing myself pain just so that I can feel something again and to know that I exist. But in truth it would probably just be better if I were to cease existing. | |
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