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Shell-Shocked

Posted by anonymous at September 26, 2011
Tags: General  Life Story  2011 September

Ok, speaking of shell-shocked, how do I put this in a nutshell (sorry itís so long, you donít have to read it, I just needed to vent): as a child was isolated by intelligence (which has served me no real purpose now); molested, apparently, and emotionally abused/controlled/manipulated; put in the position of being caregiver in a dire situation, etc.

When I was young, within a matter of three months, my aunt died a needless horrible death by cancer due to doctorsí indifference (i.e. ďoh, you must be faking itĒ) and my mom almost died, the place where I worked was bombed by terrorists, and my father was gunned down and killed at a wedding. During the period after this, I met and married a man, had three children with him then after 15 years of marriage (and more emotional abuse for both myself and kids) he left us for another woman.

At the time, I felt I was doing all right getting us all under the same roof (he basically left us in the street when he left and then didnít want to pay child support) and felt like things would be ok. I was working five jobs, glad for the chance to have my children (and my elderly mother, whom I was still caring for) with me.

Then my son, who had a lot of anger about the way his dad had treated him/us, made some very, extremely bad decisions, which resulted in criminal charges that precluded him being around the younger children. My ex wouldnít take him, and nobody else would, so I was forced to take the younger kids to my exís for what I thought would be a couple of weeks while we sorted out what to do with our son. Two weeks later, on my sonís birthday, I was served with papers indicating my ex wanted primary custody.

His girlfriend had gotten herself knocked up, and they had had a shotgun wedding, so they were able to go to the court and say they had two parents in the home as opposed to me being on my own (and of course always being at work, with five jobs to survive). Yes, we all saw this movie on Lifetime, and it sucked then too. So, the court gave them primary custody, even though the kids wanted to stay with me, and I ended up paying HIM child support (the guy makes over three times what I make, btw).

Meanwhile, I had met someone who seemed to want to be with me and work together to make things better. That relationship ended up being abusive, with me not being able to get out because I still had my elderly mother with me and had nowhere to go (once again, no one would take HER). Finally, when the situation became life-affecting, I put my mom in the hospital and left basically with the clothes on my back.

That was two years ago, and now Iím here, working three jobs, riding my bike to work, everything that mattered to me ripped away, and no matter what I do or how hard I work, things just keep getting worse and worse. No family, few friends, and nothing to want or hope for if I donít have my kids. My health has deteriorated but obviously have no insurance, everyone at work thinks Iím weird because Iím always grimacing in pain, but I HAVE to go on cuz thereís no other option right now. I guess the fact that Iím here is a good thing, and I should be happy about that, but honestly, itís like, will this ever stop? And why bother...As you can imagine, the sheer massive weight of all my crap scares any even remotely decent guy away; and I feel like anyone I meet right now is probably a psycho anyway.

Anyway, thereís more, but thatís pretty much the part I can tell without being too graphic (lol, Iíve traumatized two therapists and a couple of attorneys). Iíve tried to ask for help from legal aid, etc., but no one can/will help. I am definitely ON MY OWN. Actually, not only that, but there are actively people who wake up in the morning trying to think of ways to screw me (lol, itís not paranoia when people are really out to get you, eh?). So, is there any hope for me or any reason to keep trying? Obviously, my once-strong faith has taken a pretty big hit...and yet Iím too stupid or proud to give up. Sigh, thereís GOT to be a way to get out of this hole...


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Similar Entries:
Why my life sucks... July 9, 2011
I've fooooooookked it January 3, 2012
Feeling Low April 11, 2012
Is this all there is? February 1, 2012
Alone October 19, 2010



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