LIFE SUCKS

Destroyed myself

I have been in love with my first husband for the past 15 years. I lost my virginity to him when we married at the age of 19 and 21. Arranged marriage but I fell hopelessly in love with him. It turned out to be the worst thing in my life. He goes from woman to woman. he wants a wife at home and several girlfriends outside home. I divorced him 10 years ago but carried on a very on and off relationship with him. he will disappear for years and then he will make a comeback in my life. He is married for 7 years now and recently he has been having sex with me too. I broke it off with a heavy heart as I feel he keeps using me. We have a son together and neither of us have any other children. I tried several relationships in those 10 years. Nothing lasted more than 3 months and it was always me that broke up. I feel I will never be able to make any kind of life. I miss him so much everyday. been living like this for more than a decade and I cant take it anymore. My son and me dont get along so good either. I feel i have no purpose in life and am just breathing.
The only person that I felt I could go anywhere in life with turned out to be a liar. Married with children and only wasted further years of my life. I have had it now. I have no hope and no dreams. I sleep, eat, go to work, look after my son and do the same all over again the next day. Is it even worth living?