Hi,
I was born in 79. Back then life was good. I would sit on the couch watching cartoons as my father vacuumed the floor. I would watch Sport Billy or whatever else. I had a sorta cartoon crush on the dark haired boy. Anywho, so the 80s were exceedingly cool. Good music, colorful outfits, good programs on tv. Lesbians who groped each-other and huffed gold spray paint at my friends house. (ok that was kinda disturbing), Dad worked at a bowling alley. Almost all was right with the universe. (As far as I knew).
One day dad pointed to the TV. And said look. He can make the sidewalk squares light up! How does he do that? There was a classy looking black guy in a suit with a bow tie and she stopped to shine his shoe on a trashcan. He was real cool. Every place he walked the sidewalk square lit up. That was high tech brov. Every time Michael had a video it was fun and cool like a movie. In later days my father would rent them and concert vhs tapes. He'd talk about how much he likes MJs and all the charities he does and all the good he does.
My father himself in those days was actually a fun guy. Hed put on a record and we would dance, swaying our hips. And thought my mother was never really much of a mother. We used to call her mommy man and run away from her sometimes. My father used to sing to us before bed.
I watched all that stuff when I was a kid and I have to note I never did once notice that he'd grabbed his crotch. But yes I did notice he made wacking off gestures in beat it. that just made us giggle. But other than that I never noticed anything sexual about his dancing it was all just dance moves to me. Even when we saluted the flag, Mikes name came up.
One time I send him a message on his website. Back then on occasion he'd reply to some. This was during the allegations. I told him to keep his head up. There of course was never any reply but I think he would of if I had actually wrote that I was a little girl, but I didn't. I felt hurt. I gave up.
One day my father told me. "One day you will love a celebrity and he will die and it will shake your world. For me it was Elvis."
Well here I am and what my father said was true. I miss Michael to fcking death. I always knew when he died it would be hard but I never thought it would come so soon. About a week before he died I had a thought, what if.. and I pushed it to the back of my head and I said nahhh, hes got a few years left. Maybe even 10.
Then he died the next week. And I would have overdosed on Valium myself if it hadn't been confiscated by customs.
So here I am.
The whole world has gone downhill since the 90s and it keeps getting worse and worse and nothing is any good anymore. I looked down on the streets of New York down there a sea of people dressed in black all going about their business, not noticing the people on the street. Everyone looks like they're trying to stand out but everyone is invisible. The economy stinks and everything on TV is perverse or violent, and always propaganda with an evil agenda.
There used to be shows like Punky Brewster, And The Facts Of Life. It was like every single Tv episode back then had a lesson at the end to help you with your life. Not today.
Everything is dismal and bad. The Conrad Murray trial is killing me. We were cheated for years by lies, they took him from us long before then. Celebrities don't have a heart like him. They accept their public positions for money but shirk being a role model. they say, I never agreed to be a role model. All they do is have sex and take drugs. But Michael was never promiscuous and he didn't take recreational drugs. He was a fundamental part of the world. I can't live like this. No-one, especially no guy will ever be him.
So go ahead and insult Michael now and call him a pedophile. Even though his autopsy report says he was uncut and Jordan chandler drew a circumscribed penis and his father killed himself right after Michael's death. Just call him the worse thing you can call a human being, you're only projecting.
If anyone out there aches like this know that You Are Not Alone.
Please post this, I speak from my heart.
I love you and I'm sorry I wasn't there. I'm sorry sometimes I too believed the lies. I will regret it all my life. You could have made my life better, if I had only followed you when you were alive. But I didn't instead I chose the wrong people to love.
I am so sorry.
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