My life feels like it's over. My creative, funny, kind, smart and sensitive son took his own life in May, a day after his 20th birthday. I need to tell anyone that is contemplating suicide: please seek help. please talk to your loved ones/Mom, etc. My heart, and so many others are broken. We "survivors", if you can call it that, are in shock, feeling the most incredible despair, and asking ourselves every day " what did I miss", "how did I fail him", and thinking that we must have fucked up royally for this to be. It's easy and tempting to blame one another-more hurt! I am so depressed and have so little left, that I can't pick up the phone when a friend or family member calls. I have trouble interacting with my husband or anyone, my despair runs so deep. So on top of losing the love of my life, my son, I'm losing everyone else as well. I beat myself up for missing signs. I retrace every f'ing step I ever took as a parent. I feel like my whole life must have been a fucking lie that I told myself, because I had though I was a good mother and had a happy and well adjusted son, who wouldn't call me back b/c he was knee deep in exams! Now I know otherwise. He must have felt alienated from me. Why else would he have not reached out to me for help when I told him several times that he could talk to me about anything, that breakups happen and it gets better, that we'd love him regardless of sexual orientation, etc., etc...my words must have seemed empty to him. Because he didn't reach back and he fucking offed himself. I must be a hideous, horrible human being. I must have failed him beyond belief, for this to happen. | |
You're on a website with a lot of people who've been bullied their whole life. Odds are you're here because you've been bullied your whole life. And you have the nerve to say "fag" as if it's not a hate word. WTF?
You must understand that our kids do not always open up to us like we would like them to be .
We my want an open commutation but they may not feel the same .
Did you tell your parents everything in your personal life ?
I know I didn't tell my parents how I felt because I didn't want them to worry or be upset or embarrassed it can be many things your son was feeling .
Please do not be so hard on yourself , what has happened is terrible but you must be strong and turn that strong to help others who feel life is over .
I know for me God is my rock and faithful and whatever happens in life I will have peace in my heart knowing he is with me .
Tonight pick up a Holy Bible and read !
I feel God has place it in my heart to tell you to do so and to read it daily ..
You are not alone for God is with you always and forever ..
I Had a Dream
One night I had a dream
I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets
of footprints in the sand,
one belonging to me
and the other to my Lord.
When the last scene of my life shot before me
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
There was only on set of footprints.
I realized that this was at the lowest
and saddest times in my life.
This always bothered me
and I questioned the Lord
about my dilemma.
"Lord, you told me when I decided to follow You,
You would walk and talk with me all the way.
But I'm aware that during the most troublesome
times of my life there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why, when I needed You most,
you leave me."
He whispered, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and will never leave you
never, ever during your times of trial and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints
It was then that I carried you."
By : Margaret Fishback Powers
There is nothing you can do now, it is clear that you loved your son and tried to be there for him - but it seems it was beyond your power. You are not a bad mother. Your friends and family should understand what you are going through, your real friends will stay there for you, don't worry about the others.
Have you thought of looking into suicide support groups? It might help to talk to others who have been through the same thing. Maybe you could also look into suicide prevention groups - that way you'd be helping others and it might help you cope a little better.
I wish the best for you.
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