I am 25 years old, living alone and currently on leave from work. Lonliness is somthing have suffered from all my life. I always felt that I never belonged, not with friends, not with my family, no one. As a child my siblings ostrosized me becasue I was the youngest, my mother was never home becasue she worked three jobs to support the family and my father was like a walking zombie due to the medications that he took to manange mental illness and never took a interest in me. In high school I had friends, acctually more like aquantences, and I found that I often had to put a fake smile on whenever I was around them. I turned to drugs for a better part of a decade to manage the depression and loneliness, but over time it just casued my feeligns of emptiness to become even worse. Due to my occupation and the guilt I felt following in my families footsteps casued me to seek treatment and since then have been sober, but the huge void is still there, forever getting bigger each passing day.
I am currenly in a "relationship", or at least I would like to call it one, but in all fairness I know that it will never work. She is a beautiful person, smart, funny, great personality, but (drum roll please) she is married, what a shocker. We met while I was in rehab, she was one of the people that worked there, and during that time we had fantastic talks and agreed that we both share the same feelings for one another. But there are always stings attached, you see she is a chronic cheater and if hirtoy repeates itself (which it almost certainlly does) if we do start a relationship, she will simply get bored and run off with someone else. Lets also not get into the fact that I am doing somthing I promised myself I would never do, take part in a affiar.
You see this is what my life has become. When I try to improve my life or myself it seems to go horribly wrong, cuasing even more heartache and despair. I want to have a long fullfilling relationship, I want kids, I want to have friends, but at the moment I feel that that will never happen. This lifetime of loniliness is truely unbearable, but I have hope that it will one day work out for the better. For now I will contiue to lay in my bed and wallow in my own self pity, alone, like I have alway been. | |
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