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unbearable

Posted by anonymous at October 10, 2011
Tags: Loneliness  2011 October  Relationship

I am 25 years old, living alone and currently on leave from work. Lonliness is somthing have suffered from all my life. I always felt that I never belonged, not with friends, not with my family, no one. As a child my siblings ostrosized me becasue I was the youngest, my mother was never home becasue she worked three jobs to support the family and my father was like a walking zombie due to the medications that he took to manange mental illness and never took a interest in me. In high school I had friends, acctually more like aquantences, and I found that I often had to put a fake smile on whenever I was around them. I turned to drugs for a better part of a decade to manage the depression and loneliness, but over time it just casued my feeligns of emptiness to become even worse. Due to my occupation and the guilt I felt following in my families footsteps casued me to seek treatment and since then have been sober, but the huge void is still there, forever getting bigger each passing day.

I am currenly in a "relationship", or at least I would like to call it one, but in all fairness I know that it will never work. She is a beautiful person, smart, funny, great personality, but (drum roll please) she is married, what a shocker. We met while I was in rehab, she was one of the people that worked there, and during that time we had fantastic talks and agreed that we both share the same feelings for one another. But there are always stings attached, you see she is a chronic cheater and if hirtoy repeates itself (which it almost certainlly does) if we do start a relationship, she will simply get bored and run off with someone else. Lets also not get into the fact that I am doing somthing I promised myself I would never do, take part in a affiar.

You see this is what my life has become. When I try to improve my life or myself it seems to go horribly wrong, cuasing even more heartache and despair. I want to have a long fullfilling relationship, I want kids, I want to have friends, but at the moment I feel that that will never happen. This lifetime of loniliness is truely unbearable, but I have hope that it will one day work out for the better. For now I will contiue to lay in my bed and wallow in my own self pity, alone, like I have alway been.


Votes:


Similar Entries:
cheater March 10, 2012
I have it all and HATE IT June 12, 2012
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My life sucks big time August 19, 2010
I'm so alone.. April 12, 2012



New Comment

Comments:
By anonymous at 28,Nov,11 00:46

your life has just began, you still have possibilities


By anonymous at 28,Nov,11 05:50

wait till ur 30+. i promise u it will suck more. lol


By anonymous at 28,Nov,11 10:14

Sounds kind of bad but you did not mention that you lost a limb or you have unbearable breath so maybe there is hope for you. If drugs did not work (and I assume you have had some sort of therapy) why not get the fuck out? Join the peace corps; be a rock band groupie; join a wall st protest.... If ANYONE is standing in the way of moving beyond this crap then it is you.


By anonymous at 04,Dec,11 13:48

hey man . eat chocolate. at least it helps me. just want to say i read your story. I don't have wise words for you. i mean, i don't think there ever was a destiny. yea... im feeling down too. but i guess we should be happy for not being a Jew in Auschwitz right? hehe


By anonymous at 12,Dec,11 00:55

You're only 25, life will certainly get better for you. As a start you should end this affair with the married woman. There are plenty of single women out there.


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