There was a point in my life, not too many years ago, when I believed it was worth the effort to get out of bed, face the day, and live. Looking back, it seems like a vague fairytale, of a much happier time when I had my shit straight, a good job, a nice apartment, freedom to come and go as I wanted, and a thousand other little things that are now lost. Looking at the pathetic, wretched existance I'm enduring now, I find myself alternating between disgust, despair, self-loathing, life-loathing, and back again. A little over two years ago, I had finally left a part-time job that I hated, for a full time gig on a corporate level. The pay was excellent, I had health insurance, and enough financial provisions to move out of my shitty apartment, quit driving the clunker, and actually move forward in life. I didn't have any big dreams of being rich. I just wanted to have a bit more than the rathole I lived in, and a car that was less than ten years old.
And, as usual, when things were going good for a bit, they went to hell in the providential handbasket.
Shortly before starting my new job, I contracted a horrible case of the flu with complications that resulted in my pancreas shutting down. I was diagnosed with diabetes after nearly fainting at work. At that point, I had no health insurance at that point to pay the bills, or follow up for my second appointment for the medication.
And, to add to my bliss, I lost my job after only three months due to the shitty economy, a corporate merger, and my job being downsized. I went from being a corporate employee to a broke diabetic within a span of a month. I scrambled to find work, scraped by on prayers, (which helped, somewhat) and the bit of unemployment I qualified for. When my savings ran out, and I couldn't find a job, I shamefacedly moved back in with my parents, and have endured the humilation for over a year now.
And, now, to compound the bullshit of my life, I decided to screw things up even more by going back to school to get my master's. At the time, I honestly thought that since I couldn't find a job,furthering my education would be a good investment. I entered a field with a high demand for employment, and reasonable prospects of living wages. Now, I realize that I've pretty much shot my future to hell with the amount of debt I've accumulated, and I won't have anything to show for my life but the world's most expensive piece of paper. I still drag myself to class, I make good grades, and I'm in the final stages of the program, but I cringe when I think of life after school. I war with myself daily if life is worth it, if the future will be any less bleak than poverty, living with my folks, and the sheer hopelessness I see now. If I don't drop out of grad school, and I do graduate, I think I can use my master's degree as toilet paper. At least then, it would have some use. | |
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