LIFE SUCKS

no end in sight

I know nobody is going to read this, but sometimes it is just a release to get one's feelings "out there".

I am a 38 year old obese, balding woman. I was fired a year and a half ago from a company that I worked for for twelve years. I was a good employee but the company was sold and went through many changes in a short amount of time. In short, I had ONE BAD MONTH and after twelve years of great reviews, I got let go. Because I am stupid and got myself into debt ($60,000), I had to have my 71 year old mother move in with me. Although she only lives on Social Security, she has more money than I do and I cannot afford to live by myself.

There is no one in my family that can help me and my mother never lets me forget how irresponsible I was to get myself into so much trouble. Now I have NO SAY in anything! My entire life revolves around keeping her "satisfied" with her life. We rent from a friend who is giving us a great deal on the place, but my mom is never satisfied with anything. I can't do anything right for her. To make matters worse, she keeps bugging our land lady about every little thing, so her son called me today and said that we were free to move out and HE would rent the place for $300 more a month than what we are paying. Of course he has nothing to do with our lease, but now my mom wants to move out on me and I have no place to go.

It took me a lifetime to get the few meager things I have and I don't want to sell my stuff for a pittence and live in a homeless shelter. I may have to, though, because I still have not found a job. There is nothing out there for someone with no skills.

My unemployment is running out. I need a job, but not just any job! I need one that will allow me to pay rent AND pay my debts. I hate that my life revolves around my lack of money! I don't even have friends to call on for comfort! They have all moved away and are living great lives.

Which brings me to my other point. I have no purpose to my life. All I wanted as a little girl was to get married and have kids. I didn't expect great things, just a family. Unfortunately I have emotional problems (as well as being ugly) and never had a relationship. My mother was abusive when I was growing up. She tried suicide many times, tired killing my dad many times, and beat the crap out of some of us. She isn't enitirely well mentally and I have to deal with her irrational behavior. I probably got my emotional problems from her.

There just doesn't seem to be a way out. I have reconciled myself with not getting married, so I tried to develope new dreams. I went back to school. It is only community college and I am taking classes to be an Administrative Proffessional. I am not far enough along in the program to get a job out of it, but I don't want to even be in that field. I have no idea what I want. I don't know what I would be good at. I have no talents or inclination in any direction. But I must work and I am afraid that the only employment I find will be as crappy as the job I lost. I hated it there. It was dirty, smelly, and back-breaking. I don't want to hate my job and I am afraid that I have no options.

My car is dying- no money to fix it.

I am such a looser. I hate my life and I just want to fall asleep and not wake up.