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loosing it ...

Posted by anonymous at October 21, 2011
Tags: General  2011 October

Been reading through many stories here so decided to add mine aswell for the heck of it.

to keep a very long story short...
I been out work for 4 years now since my father left my mother for another women. My mother went from manic depressed spirit talker to super logic denying holy spirit christian. "holy spirit" talks to her and whatever she says is from "holy spirit" and is the truth. Whatever i say is bollocs
She does not listen to reason neither can she listen to basic housekeeping rules.

my older brother after loosing his flat to a bulldoser eager to build a newer, modern flat, is back at my mom's house too. He works and pays my mother rent but expects me to clean up after him too because i don't pay rent so basically i'm doing housework for 2 people that just cannot give a damn about how they mess because houseboy me will clean it up anyway. My brother rewards me with a combination of nothing and a fat lip for the effort.

My education sucks, comparable to 8th grade in the US educational system. not because i am stupid or a dropout (I have an IQ of 128) but because my father did not do any research on the educational system at my current location when he took me out of school after 8th grade when he decided to leave his debt and dead-end career in search for a refresh in his homeland. Not regarding the fact that i'll end up in the lesser-minded state funded school that only goes untill 9th class (which cannot even compair to the US 8th grade) because i couldn't communicate in the native language. if i was put into the international private school which he was unwilling to pay for me and my siblings it would have been different. I lost all hope when i had to do a intensive german course in a 10th schoolyear in a vocational college where i had the priveledge to sit in class with a bunch of loons and had to start off with first grader maths again. the other subjects where just as pointless. i remember one day my teacher told me to shut up because he wanted the rest of the class to figure out why polar bears don't eat penguins, after 1.5 hours gone by they still didn't know why.

My parents fought intensively during this time, my mother constantly threatened with suicide (first time she did that was when i was 14), and my father retorted with his "i'll leave her when u kids are out of the house" repeat. I kept my distance because sometime fists will fly. My father couldn't really use it against me but he once slapped my head hard enough enabling me to blow ciggarete smoke out of my ear for a whole month.

I later left this country to go back to where i was born (by demand of my father) to finish off high school via correspondence. It did not go as planned because my senile grandfather, started to blame me for everything even for his wifes death at one point, refused to let me do my car licence and denied me sustainance. I went from 1.85m 84kg to 1.85m 61kg in 2.5months. i decided to kick my studies and eat rather by finding a job.

Bad crowd at workspace so during that time i started to drink alot and caught quite a heavy pot smoking habit, also tried out some other recreation drugs like mdma and lsd (that trip was bad). beieng in a country that degenerated severly in the past 12 years people just don't care anymore either, especially my generation that did not have the opportunity to leave after finishing high school. one "friend" of mine was a sociopath and many other so-called "friends" screwed me over good, i can only recall one friend that i could say was a true friend but i too messed up by that time to actually appreciate it. Hating myself to be such a pushover which i actually always was and still am I raised a monster in my mind, by the time i returned back to my fathers homeland i believed i was insane which i luckily got over ...sort of

I never had any luck with the ladies allthogh I'm not bad looking, some people really wonder why i turned down so many girls, problem lies by me not beieng able to read them at all. I do not know when someone is interested in me and when i am told that someone is i cannot express myself at all. I turn into a ball of weak.

so my life sucks
I'm 27, i still live at my moms, i am a pushover, i have nothing to show for my life, i spend all my free time distracting myself from this world, i have alienated most of my friends, my best friend from before i left to finish highschool is now a hardcore coke addict. i had no luck with the ladies (still a virgin), i get nervous in social situations, sometimes so badly that i get cold sweats, weakness then pass out, sometimes with injury.
So often thought of suicide it has become a joke because i just won't ever do it. not that i don't have the meens or courage but because i believe death is not the end. so what use will suicide be if i learned nothing.



Votes:


Similar Entries:
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I hate people December 23, 2011
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Comments:
By anonymous at 04,Dec,11 22:38

Please do your self a favor,don't post a long ass post cause no one will read them at least not me..have a nice day.


By anonymous at 05,Dec,11 02:56

My love, if you are a good person with kindness in your heart, take solace in that. People who screw you over are the ones with problems, NOT YOU. Would you try to help others less fortunate than you? You can be a hero to someone, and help someone even worse off than you. Your kindness and generoisty is needed by many. Don't let them down. The "ladies" will follow as you strengthen yourself and become a hero to others. Be noble. Be strong. You can overcome this. After all, you know what suffering is and you are certainly not the only one. Through suffering comes strength, and some lucky woman will appreciate your strength and kindness, and reciprocate.


By anonymous at 05,Dec,11 20:08

been there DOING THAT, i dont know why they love me either. def dont deserves none of that. but the reason i'm still here is cause it sucks and hurts but it will hurt them mo' if i ainnt around. been there am there sleep it off.....


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