LIFE SUCKS

Lonely Rant

Dear Internet,

You can call me James. No, James is too romantic a name. How can I come up with a name that has no cultural attachments to it? Argg!

Call me... Spartacus.

Ok. Ok. My real name's Blake.

I'm a lonely man. I'll try to paint a somewhat accurate and hopefully non-masturbatory image for you of what I look like, my background, and how others perceive me.

I'm a young white male; 23. I'm 6'1, athletic, light brown hair, green eyes, hairy, a jutting chin like Gaston and the brooding brow of David Boreanaz.

I come from a decently wealthy family. Growing up my parents were divorced, and so I experienced some mild trauma, but nothing too bad. I got basically whatever I wanted, though I was instilled with a good work ethic from my father and had to pay for the big things (such as car, apartment). Coming from a well-to-do family, my whole college education was paid for. I received my B.A. in English last year.

Failing to get into grad school, and at the shallow end of a dying relationship with a girl, I chose to travel abroad to Korea and teach little kids English.

I've been here three months. The pay is nice, I have friendly co-workers, and my own apartment.

I work out 5-6 days a week. I'm very critical of my body, but also have become somewhat vain about it. I'm working on my "next book" and am on page 7. I also write poetry on occasion (mostly emotional jargon about my ex).

Ok, Ok. I know, this is starting to sound like a personals ad.

So I'm lonely. I've been lonely my whole life, I think. I've always tangled with this consuming, sucking vacuum of loneliness spritzed with self-loathing and pity that makes its home in my chest.

Honestly, I'm a pretty happy guy. People would say I seem happy. I'm usually quite upbeat. I have a blast teaching the little kids Engrish, and physically I feel great. I'm friendly and have a sense of humor and am decently intelligent and clever.

But the truth is, I'm fucking lonely. I really crave women. Women are beautiful and their curves and hardnesses are perfect and godly-glowing. Being somewhat of a narcissist (evolved out of poor self-image and the need to have others validate my outward and inward beauty) I yearn for a beautiful, skinny, athletic, intelligent woman that can be my partner.

Not even that, though. I yearn for companionship so badly. The problem is, I can't seem to get any. A week ago I hooked up with a girl named Choi that I met at a night club. We kissed, oohed and ahhed over each-others bodies while drunk, and parted ways. She hasn't texted me since then.

I've also tried connecting with women over a dating website OKCupid. All the women I meet are either self-serving or uninterested.

I feel like a steppenwolf sometimes (great novel, by the way). I feel like a loner. Sometimes I think I was just made to be alone. Not because I want it, but because I'm an inherently lonely person.

I don't know why women won't commit time to me, when I'm so willing. I thought I was a decent guy. My last girlfriend said I have hawk-like eyes (you know, the piercing stare). That's what I consider the highest compliment I ever received. But I think that's the problem. I'm intense. I love really hard. I'm really passionate, and I have problems censoring my emotions--the good and the bad.

So what should I do? Should I just shut the fuck up and be happy I'm fortunate?
I feel ugly and I hurt.

Love,

Blake