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sweet sweet psychotic suicide

Posted by She is prettier dead than she ev at October 25, 2011
Tags: Attitude  Environment  Health  2011 October

I'm 22 and Everyday I wake up and wonder what the hell I'm doing out of bed wishing why the fuck can't I just hurry up and kill myself already? I've flunked out of college due to my schizophrenic psychotic episodes and delusions, mixed with my bipolar that put me inpatient last year. As a result from going inpatient my father has disowned me and my entire family is somehow convinced I'm such a good attention whore of a liar that I've fulled various doctors and shrinks to get this diagnoses.
I have an older sister who I help babysit for sometimes, she owes me two hundred dollars or so and keeps avoiding to pay me. I'm about ready to give up on everything and not care anymore. Fuck the medical bills I have to pay fuck the banks. She thinks I'm a liar like my father does anyway. Thought sister's were supposed to support their younger siblings.
My mother believes me but really doesn't care. Too wrapped up in her drug abuse. I was lucky enough she let me move in a year ago when my father kicked my ass to the curb. I used to have a best friend, but now I'm not so sure... who felt more like a brother to me, now he's convinced I'm too "bat-shit crazy" to even consider helping anymore. So he's detaching himself from me to avoid my 'crazy'. I feel worse than I ever have before and ignoring the voices telling me to kill myself is getting harder and harder because they're getting really persuasive.
Some-days I eat a lot like a normal person and some days maybe I can eat one mini meal because of an episode I don't trust food or even people walking down the street I can't tell if they're a hallucinations or not anymore. I starve as a result and cut and open my skin because the scars and blood are pretty and it's the only thing I can do as distraction. Oh. But my sister teases me on the cutting because again, if you forgot I'm a worthless piece of shit attention whore. (Good job for remembering, class.)
I'm trying to file for SSI but the process makes me want to vomit, why does the universe have to remind me how much of a low life piece of shit I am? I can't afford my medications and one of my psychiatrist's has already said I'm a lost cause. I wish I could get up the courage and attempt suicide again, I really think I can get it right this time.
Sometimes I think maybe if I went inpatient again things could be better, but...the money is through the roof and to be honest. Who the fuck thinks I'm worth those poor doctor's time and effort? I sure as shit don't. Hence, again why suicide seems to be the only option that seems really does.


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By at 08,Dec,11 13:22

life sucks big big bbbbiigg time...the smater u get the more u see it...fuck it not even drinking a beer makes me happy... i just listen a song over and over..........knee deep !!!

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By Larissa at 20,Jul,15 14:02

Quiet Man,Now, then your grandfather, hmmmm........1. The bieods he saw, were they all Jews and if so where was the proof?2. The mass graves of dead did he see them and again did he personally identify every body as Jewish?3. Gas chambers, did he see them? If he did he's lying. Obviously a bit too much Jewish propaganda courtesy of Hollywood and Spielberg eh? Nothing like a bit of brainwashing to keep the great lie active.4. And all the evidence of cremated Jews, in mass pits, did he see them too, for you see this is what holocaust means (whole fire from the Greek).The problem is this; were Jews incarcerated by Germany? Yup. Why were they? Because they started a war against Germany and were a threat to the safety of Germany and German people. Were there dead bieods in the camps? Of course there were, as a direct result of three things - starvation (allied bombing destroying supply lines), Typhus and old age.Anyone who does research into the Holocaust sees that the official story holds no water whatsoever. The bars of soap from human fat, the lampshades of human skin, the shrunken heads all admitted to be lies. How much more? The murders of 22,000 in the Katyn forest was blamed on the 3rd Reich, up until 1990 when the KGB eventually admitted the NKVD did it under orders from Stalin. The supposed death toll of Jews when world almanacs at the time showed MORE JEWS after WW2 than before!!!!! Tell me Quiet Man, why did they shave the heads of Jews to stop Typhus if they were just going to gas them later? Why did they have hospitals, swimming pools, orchestras, children creches when they were just going to murder them? Why, when most of Germany's people were serving in the armed forces, kill Jews who were vital to the war effort? You, Quiet Man, epitomise the drone within society. You are one of the crowd in Orwell's 1984 who shouts hate at Emmanuel Goldstein like all the other sheep because they're told to. You are no truth seeker because you are not prepared to fall down the rabbit hole. You are oblivious to what's really going on because you go about as deep as a puddle in your investigative research and yet here you are, someone who's WW2 history comes straight from school history lessons, the MSM, Hollywood and the ramblings of your grandfather, telling me who's done a great deal of reading the 'alternative history', history you've never looked at, I'm scum? Are you seriously and I mean SERIOUSLY for fucking real? Listen up you prick, they imprison people in many countries for DARING to question what went on with the Jews. Does that even sink in and raise a question within you, locking people up, taking away their freedom for questioning history? Do some research you ignorant cunt. Pull your head out of rimming Zionist arse and realise there's so much you have to learn to stand on the same page, let alone book, as myself when it comes to what's fucking going on. It sounds arrogant, I know, but the audacity of arseholes like you, calling me out when they know fuck all on the subject matter, is beyond belief!Harbinger

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