Something very disturbing is happening to me, it is moving in an undetermined direction at an accelerated rate and I donít see a way to control it. I tried to take hold of this before it took me but I couldn't.
Iíve reached the point where I am seriously considering alternatives to this life. The fact that every scripture or law mentions that giving up on life is not the right thing to do doesn't seem to mean much anymore. I am starting to notice there are so many others that have found no other option but to follow this choice. In todayís fast paced guiltless society, maybe those laws of right and wrong have changed like many of the rules and religions that evolved over the centuries.
Maybe all the rules are BS and the fact that leaving life rather than suffering through it may be the better decision to make. Quantum physics, parabolic calculus, the vivid dream Ö whateverÖ. theyíre all theories about life alternatives which temp people to seek a way out. Truth is, no one knows if itís right or wrong, maybe that thing called a soul just drifts off into a dreamlike state for awhile then disappears forever. There are so many ways to ponder the outcome.
Iím not trying to condone my decision or get others to sanction it, I think Iím looking for something that will change my reasoning into a more positive tone of hope but itís not easy to inspire someone like me. I grew up and lived life very fast and am most likely destined to leave it behind just as quickly. I realize the human mind can be a terribly convincing place when left alone with it for too long. A person can talk themselves into just about anything if they believe it enough. I guess thatís why Iím writing this, to see if there is anything that can be said which would make me lose this argument with myself.
The biggest deterrent that has kept me from rushing into making a final decision is hurting my folks. Whatever my reasons for thinking this way do not matter as much as knowing about the pain that goes along with losing a loved one. I donít have to imagine what it would be like as 2 years ago I lost my daughter of 17 years whom I raised on my own and who was basically the only reason for my existence. Up until now I didnít think about how much it affected me but suddenly after all this time it seems to have come out of nowhere and it feels like it just happened.
Iím a misanthrope, so seeking advice through a therapy session is out of the question. I don't trust people.
I have been employed for all of my adult life. I worked hard and dedicated over 23 years of my life to my career. I have recently found myself so disturbed with guilt that I put myself out of work due to my own stupid actions, a decision that I deeply regret. In hind sight I think I sabotaged my own career for the wrong reasons but there is no turning back now and itís inevitable that Iíve created a path of self destruction. Where is this going to take me. I read somewhere that losing a job could be as stressful if not worse than the death of a loved one or going through a divorce. As Iíve experienced both I agree and now there is literally nothing left to hang on to.
I find myself in a very dark place right now. I donít see the so called Ďlightí at the end of the tunnel. Anyone who knows me would certainly not feel sorry for me as I have nice things and Iíve lived a decent life. I donít have friends, just acquaintances. Iím 52 and will not find a new career at this juncture in my life, I am too young and not financially stable enough to retire and too old to start over.
Iím a problem solver by nature and have deduced that there is no solution to this dilemma. I don't have the strength to fight through it anymore and don't see the reason why I should.