I've been married almost ten years. We have two daughters, 8 and 6.
I love my wife but, am not sure if I'm "in love" with her anymore.
A bit about me first. I am far from perfect; occasionally I overindulge, am a bit high strung and impatient but, really at heart I am a very decent man. Prior to being married I have gone many, many years without having a serious argument with anyone. Now it seems to happen at least every week with my wife, if not on a daily basis when things aren't going so well. I'm very successful in my career, am a good provider and I think an excellent (though not perfect) father and husband. I am a genuinely nice and empathetic person and have always tried to avoid conflict. I'm trying to be as objective as possible here but, I'm convinced most people would say I'm a nice guy and fun to be around.
I knew from before we were married that my wife had an explosive temper but, I just told myself (falsely as it turns out) that it was just pre-wedding nerves and after marriage she would be fine. Wrong. We even got into a huge argument in the lobby of our hotel on our honeymoon about directions, I believe. It was so inconsequential and long ago I honestly don't remember.
She had a very successful and long career and took pride in her job and it gave her a large part of her identity (she was still a bitch though). For the past couple years she has been a "housewife" who is also very involved in the community. No matter how many times I say that her job is equally as important as mine she just doesn't believe it and is ashamed to be "only" a housewife, in her opinion.
She has probably the worst temper of anyone I've ever been close to (I've known others as bad or worse but, obviously I'd just steer clear of such people. Not an option here though.)
She gives me a hard-time about nearly everything (the way I drive, my decisions about kids, things I said or didn't say when with other couples, if I don't compliment the dinner she made or immediately notice she got her hair cut etc. etc.) It really is never-ending.
More often than not she walks around in a bad mood looking for something to find fault with. After years of this constant stream of criticism it is really wearing me down.
Occasionally she just completely explodes about the most minor issue and when I defend myself that just enrages her further. I don't like fighting, wasn't raised that way and for some background her family was very volatile, shall I say, and "conversed" that way regularly. Her parents also split up when she was a young teenager.
She has gone so far, on maybe a dozen occasions, as to scream at me as being a "selfish f-ing a-hole who doesn't give a s**t" about the kids, about her, about whatever. Sometimes she does this hysterical screaming bit in front of the kids.
I've tried gently to tell her in calm moments that she really needs to do something or see someone about her temper. That just causes her to fly off the handle and become angry.
Sometimes she can stay angry for days following arguments we've had (over the most trivial things usually) and I can't count the number of days and/or nights that have been utterly ruined because of some minor thing I said that made her upset (or things I neglected to say, as if I should be a mind reader).
She has caused me more stress, at least 100 times more, than anyone in my life.
But then, on the other hand, occasionally she'll say how much she loves me, what a wonderful father and husband I am, wants to grow old with me etc. and she is being very sincere as I know her very well. To me, it is if that one brief moment of spontaneous affection is supposed to make up for the hours and days of misery I've been put through.
Again, I'm writing this now because we had a big argument about something (can't recall what exactly) this morning and she's been on me hard for at least a week now so I am very focused on the negatives.
At the same time, we occasionally have great times together (going to dinner, going to the movies, going away for the occasional kid-free weekend; where we have great stimulating conversations and laugh a lot - just like we used to.) Those occasions are becoming more infrequent as time goes by. These instances give me hope that there is still some spark there and we are, in fact, compatible. Sorry but, as you can see this is a complicated situation and I know I am being a bit contradictory. It is just that I'm hopelessly confused.
I walk around carrying so much anxiety and walking on eggshells to avoid her wrath that I find myself regulating my behavior thinking "what would she say if I do this"? Simple things like spontaneously going to one of my favorite stores or going out to have one beer with a friend. It is like I need to ask her permission to do most anything out of the ordinary.
Every single time we get into one of these ridiculous arguments I resent her and say to myself "Is this really worth it?"
I sometimes think the situation I am living and the stress and anxiety I carry is slowly but, literally killing me (I'm only 45 and want to live a long happy life).
I also love my kids dearly and would give my life for them. I feel it is important that a father be in the picture to help raise them. Honestly, if it wasn't for the kids, I think I would have been out of this relationship awhile ago but, then I ask myself well maybe she is this way because raising kids is stressful (which it is, no doubt.) or maybe that is just an excuse for her behavior that I tell myself.
Being in the middle of this and not having an unbiased point of view I am confused as to what to do. I also dearly love my kids and don't want to inadvertently hurt them or screw them up with a divorce but, is it reasonable to stay married for the sake of the kids? Or to hope that somehow my wife will change or is even capable of changing for the better? I want to be happy but, I'm not and I keep telling myself that "somehow" things are going to get better but, I'm losing faith that things ever really will in my current situation.
I'd very much appreciate if you can untangle this meandering stream of thought post and offer any advice. Thank you,
Decent Dude | |
HA HA HA
The kids will be ok, just be sure to get joint custody and see them as often as possible.
YOu have tried talking to her and getting help for her problem. When you talk to her about getting help, she will start to think you are attacking her i.e. her personality, making even more insecure and hence, she became very defensive. I believe deep down, she is insecure due to fact that she's not working and perhaps, her parents' broken marriage.
Perhaps the way you approached it was wrong. Instead of focusing on her, why dont you tell her how you feel / have becomed ? Like fact that you are getting stressed/depressed due to all the arguments and her mood swings. Ask her to suggest solutions
And when you have the good times, you should point it out you wish that the good moments would last foreever.
If you want to go out for a beer, go out for a beer. If she whines, let her whine and tell her how cute it is. If she starts being insulting or rude in the car, just turn the car around, bring her home and then go out yourself.
If she wants to act like a child, treat her like a child, and when she returns to adultland, welcome her back.
If it comes to divorce, let the chips fall where they lay. Children learn from example, and if your daughters see that the way she treats you is normal, that is how they will act towards their future husbands.
As long as you aren't being a douchebag, you should be free to do whatever you want. Marrying someone doesn't mean you own them.
Best of luck buddy,
One thing you need to understand about marriage is that it is governed by a double standard. It's just the way it is. Incredibly, your wife is allowed disrespect you the way she does, but if you retaliate in exactly the same way, she is aghast, and won't accept it.
Given the above fact, when your wife loses her temper, you should not respond in kind. Losing her temper is not necessarily your wife's way of telling you that she hates you. It is more like an alarm: a signal, telling you that she is unhappy. How she expresses her unhappiness doesn't matter to her. What she wants is not necessarily a direct solution to the individual thing she is complaining about. She just wants to know that you care. So when my wife loses her temper, at first I simply have patience. I then try to understand why she is upset. But I don't lose my temper. When I do, it's just like two fire alarms going off. No one is really communicating anything, and both people remain upset.
Unfortunately, the only way to react in such a situation is to grin and bear it. Accept the blame for whatever she is angry about. That's the only way she will come around. Trust me, I've been doing this for a long time!
Here's the irony: She does come around. And when she does, she actually apologizes for the way she lost her temper.
Walking away is a very destructive thing to do. When you do that, you will only increase her anger. The key word here is patience. Yes, it is unfair. Yes, she should not be able to treat you the way she does. But I'm telling you, be patient. Wait it out. She will come around if you keep your cool and don't blow up.
As I said, I speak from experience. I suggest you try this out. It's the only way. The only other option is divorce. I also believe that counseling is a great idea. Divorce, from what I hear, is really not.
She has not got better, and if anything is now worse. she flies into a rage over minor things, although sometimes an issue that she has fixed on which will stay with her as the big issue for 1-2 months at a time.
On 3 occasions in the past 6 months she has thrown & broken glasses & plates, and makes me feel unsafe in my own home - in the midst of a recent rage, having thrown plates full of food, and the microwave oven onto the floor I saw her glance at the kitchen scissors on the bench & thought that she was thinking of stabbing me with them. when I asked her about this a number of days later she admitted looking at the scissors but said she was thinking of throwing them but thought better of it.
In the last 3 weeks she has had 3 rages which end up with her screaming at me and being extremely abusive - I have been called every variety of f###ing c##t which I find quite shocking because I have never known a woman to be so angry & use such language. Today this happened twice & she punched me a number of times, which while it is not a physical threat to me I find very traumatic because of the level of anger - she forced me to leave the house for several hours twice today, and shouted into the street what a c##t I was - this was all set off by me turning the dishwasher on because she does not like the noise it makes.
it is impossible to respond to because while I try to use my quiet soft voice any sort of response causes her to scream at me "don't argue", which is repeated & bulids to a crescendo which if I don't leave will end up with physical violence & breaking plates & glasses etc
I have tried to suggest that she should see someone for help, but this just makes her angry with me. She fights with her family & I have learnt that if I try to point out that her temper is causing even her closest family members to become alienated from her she becomes even angrier [this led to the last plate smashing & microwave throwing incident].
Her parents divorced when she was approx 10yrs olds, and one of her mother's subsequent partners abused her. I cannot talk about either of these things in the context of her anger issues as they are no go areas & she would see this as a betrayal by me.
I do not know how to get her to get help. If there is anyone with a similar experience I would be interested in their views
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