LIFE SUCKS

untitled story

Man, I always had big ideas about who I wanted to be, about what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be strong, I wanted to be noticed by people. I thought I had something special, a spark that other people didn't have.

I didn't know then that that was just a messiah complex, that I'm not special, I lower than most folk. I don't see eyes lighting up when I walk into a room, I don't have people hanging on my words. People push me way, they avoid me. If anything I'm more of a nuisance. I fell so far and I've not gotten up.

I'll probably die a virgin. I've never been with someone intimately. I doubt anyone's thought of me like that. And I accepted that for a long time. When I was young I thought that it would either happen when I grew up, or it wasn't something I'd miss. But I got older, I saw my friends starting to get girlfriends, one got his girl pregnant. I saw people I used to know as one becoming part of two. But I would always be one. Alone.

I tried to rationalise it, told myself I was an island, that I could be strong as one. But people shouldn't have to live their lives not experiencing that. To have another person to share your pain, and your joy. And it wasn't that no one would have me. It's that I never tried. Any time the idea of me doing anything remotely sexual or being in a relationship came up in conversation with anyone I would retreat, or lash out. I didn't understand why, it was a basic instinct for me.

I have never held a girl's hand. The idea is repellant, in a very primal way. It's not a concept I can entertain. It's not that I'm gay or anything, I have all the usual urges, but the idea of actually doing anything about them isn't even a possibility.

As I said, I've accepted this. I don't see anything I can do about it at this late stage. I just hope it won't hurt any more than it does now, because after a lifetime of this I feel so weak. Hopeless.

I feel empty. Not angry, not sad, not depressed, just empty. The lack of. Perfect way to describe my life.