My family and I fled from the war and immigrated in europe. I was 6 years old when we had our first fixed address. Have a big family (Im big brother) and had a great time during my childhood (pre-puberty).
The only one in the world that REALLY cares for me is my mother. Other family dont care or manipulate me, and there are no real friends.
Ive never had a girl/woman friend. At first (like in high school) I didnt even attempt to talk to girls. I saw myself lower than them. Every time a girl spoke to me I thought this is my lucky day.
Now there are no outside girls in my life. Outside my family I only know 4, 5 people who are my drinking,smoking buddies. No real friends.
Going out and spending time with girls (before marriage) is frowned upon in my native culture but super normal in western europe (where I live). This fucked my mind.
When I was younger I used to have lustful thoughts (high school, college, puberty). Now I just want someone to give all this love I have saved inside me for years. But I have much fear (dont know why) talking to them.
It especially makes me sad when girls fall for abusive, stupid or aggressive men. They manipulate women for their profit just because they are 'more social'.
The looks like its just me and mom until her death, but Im not sure if I could continue life if I was completely alone. Right now drugs and a bit of drink help me stand where I stand, because I dont want to be bad to people.
If I try to do much good to people, maybe someday (If I havent jumped off a roof) Karma will be good to me and give a yin to my yang.
...I Hope and pray
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Are you thinking ""?
Dont worry she wont know a thing, cuz she is dead.
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