I lie. I lie every single day of my life because I have to and I hate it. I won't beat around the bush, I'm just going to say it. I'm a pre-transition transsexual and every day is a living hell.
I don't feel like a woman trapped in a man's body, I feel like a little girl in the body of some horrifying monster, every time I catch a glimpse of my jaw, my arms, my nose or any of that fucking disgusting hair on my arms and face it's like finding some revolting infected boil, I'm my own personal horror film and it never ends. Every day I do my best to be happy and pretend that nothing's wrong but that means tuning out. It means forgetting who I am, what I look like, what other people see but every time I see myself in the mirror, every time I'm called a boy or a young man I remember.
I wear long sleeves and pants all the time so that I see as little of myself as possible. I remember a few months ago when I saw myself in a towel. I just stopped, sat down, put my arms around my knees and cried. It was physically painful, like being stabbed in the gut.
I'm anorexic, I don't eat so that I don't gain muscle and I don't get taller but I do anyways. Every day I'm a bit more masculine, every day 'm a bit taller. Every day I'm a bit more of a freak.
Apparently I'm attractive, I don't really give a damn. Being called an attractive male is like being given a bar of gold in the middle of a desert, I appreciate the sentiment but it's useless. Worse than that, it's ironically insulting.
I've accepted that I'm transexual, I plan on starting hormone replacement therapy once I leave home but then what? What do I tell my family? Does this mean I have to never see any of my friends again? Why do I even have to hide in the first place, why would anyone care?
But people do care. They'll look at you like a freak. More than that, they'll call you a freak to your face, if you're lucky. The less lucky ones get murdered, beaten, raped, tortured or violated in some other dehumanizing and terrible way. The even less lucky ones, such as Tyra Hunter, are refused medical aid and die.
Things aren't going to get much better for me, once I do transition the quality of the rest of my life will depend on whether or not I'm attractive. How well a Transexual person passes decides whether or not they can get a job (let alone a good one) and the hostility he or she will face from everyone they meet.
I'll be giving up so much, biological children, job security, maybe even my family but I can't stay the way I am. I can't go through the rest of my life wanting to kill myself whenever I look in the mirror. I can't keep pretending that I'm a cisgendered male and I'd rather die than grow into a man of any kind.