5.16.2010
Today must be one of the lowest days of my life. Today I got that awful feeling “It sucks to be me” day. I can’t help but wish I was someone else but still keep the people that I hold dear in my heart. My 2 boys and my wife. They are the ones that keep me going each day. They inspire me to continue the struggle and aspire for the “that” day when I will be the one providing for them. That day when all I ever think about is them, nobody else. How I would spend my days, my nights, my triumphs, and my pains. Now, the triumphs I share with them. The pains I keep to myself because I don’t want them to feel how I feel. I don’t want to share with them the misery of being me. I don’t know if this is the right thing to do. But, all I know is that I love them and I want to protect them. I will lay my life for them. I will own this shit and I will keep this from them. I feel so trapped. Trapped in an awful place. A place where I see no hope. All I ever feel is how to get by each day without any tirades erupting. Without displeasing anybody. Maybe it’s my fault too. I try to do everything. I try too much, and too damn hard. I need to please everybody to get the appreciation that I truly deserve. When I do fail in a task, I am left to my own. It just feels that life is being plucked out of me each time this happens. I need to dance to the tune they play even if I can’t. Even if I’m incapable, even if I don’t like it, even if I just don’t feel like it. I want to get out of this place. I want to be with the ones who appreciate me as me. Where there are more smiles than tears. Where there are more smiles than frowns. Where I am free. Where I can have a day, each day, without having to worry about how I’m feeling, how I react, how I move, how I spend my days because I am with people who love me as me. I am with people with no other agenda but to be happy with each other’s company. Molding each other’s future with only one goal in mind. To provide our boys the best future they can have, and have the time of our lives in the process. I keep daydreaming of this day to come. It’s within my grasp. But there are a lot of forces working against me and my family. I have to be strong for them. Stronger than I am now. I have to withstand all the hurts that are hurled at me and protect all of them in the process. I want to own it as mine and mine alone. Spare them from all of this. But I can only do so much. Today, I feel tired. I feel so heavy. I feel spent. I feel I can’t go on anymore. I love my family. I need them as much as they need me. I feel I need them more. I draw strength from them. Only them. I can’t succumb to this. I just can’t. I still have a lot to do. I still have a lot of promises unfulfilled. I feel that my happiest days are still ahead of me. I have to go on. I have to aspire for more good things are coming. I have to think that the best of times with the people I hold dear are still out there. I have to hold on to this. I have to hold to the dream of attaining and realizing this. This is the only thing I have. This is the only thing that keeps me going. In the mean time, I will take all the punches that they can throw at me. They will hurt, I know. Most of them will land flush and smack at me. Some will miss, some won’t hurt that much. But the fight continues. I have to hold on and not let go. I have to last until the final bell rings. For the prize is just too great to lose. This is the fight of my life. I am half-way there. I have lost most of the early rounds, but I know I will win. I still have some fight in me. I am just waiting for the right moment. It will come, no doubt about it. When it does, I’ll be there. Ready. Then I will have my prize. I will hold both my hands up in the air. My time will come. My victory will come. And then, I will have the time of my life. I will never let go of it until my last breath. Then when I will look back when I am old and ready, these will be the defining moments of my life. I am holding on to this dream even as I face the hurts that is just outside the door of my room. I am 36 years old, looking forward for the next 36. I will be born again. Fresh start. And I will never look back. Never again.
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