Ok. I've been sad and depressed as long as I can remember, perhaps since I was 12 years old. I never have good days, everything seems to get worse and worse. I'm 23 right now and considered young by many, but I feel like an old fucking man. I feel like I've lived so long that I'm sick of living. All what I can remember from my childhood is the beating up and the scare tactics from my abusive family. I never felt safe or secure in my family house, nor in my original country. I worked my ass off for 3 years to save enough money and leave the whole country. I always was chasing that phantom of maybe things will change. Now I've left, everything is still the same, if not worse. I feel like the 3 years of hard work were for nothing, as all that work and stress got me nowhere in regard of my self-esteem. I used to be on antidepressant for 6 months, but that didn't help at all. I never was giving the chance to be myself, now it doesn't even matter to me. Every night when I go to bed the only thing in my mind is death and suicide, every night was the same since I was 17. I always feel like a loser, and maybe that's true, I even failed at killing myself 3 times! Nothing works well for me, not even death. I need to fight and struggle for the smallest things I want in life, and by the time I get what I want I'm so drained that it doesn't matter anymore, so why bother?
All the people I met in my life, especially the ones I considered friends, turned out to be using me. I offered the level of understanding that I was never given, but seems by doing so I was perceived by others as a naive idiot, and they were right. I don't even feel sympathy anymore. The last time I felt sympathy was a few years ago, I took 2 stray cats into my care, but one day my father decided to take those cats and release them in a farm far away, because he said he didn't like animals around the house. That broke my heart to the point that I don't feel sympathy anymore. It seems as everyone I ever met in my life went out their ways just to make sure I'll be miserable. If I smile or laugh nowadays, it's always a fake smile and laugh from a broken heart. I even beat myself down for it, thinking that I don't deserve the momentary happiness.
I can't imagine that I have to live another day, let alone more years to come! I just struggle day to day. I just try to waste time occupied with something till the day comes when I die. One recurring thoughts I get is "It doesn't matter what I do, I'll always be a fat ugly faggot loser, so just give it up"
Why should I feel tortured? nothing worth all this. If I could go back in time, I'll go back before I was born and castrate my father. | |
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