Life sucks. I can't wait for it to be over. There, I said it. Life sucks. Unfortunately, the very things I've done to cope with this problem have made life suck even more. I grabbed a shovel and I started digging. I just can't stop digging.
I live in an alternate reality. In other words, I'm a compulsive liar. "Fake it until you make it". That's the worst advice I ever got. I've been faking it all along, and there's no making it in sight. In this reality, I've only had one girlfriend in my entire life, and I had no feelings for her. She had cerebral palsy. She never wore make up, and she dressed like a little girl. I tried to be attracted to her, but I just couldn't. It's just hard to be attracted to a woman whose mother and sister dress like a four year old. That's apparently the best life could offer me. Oh, yeah, the only other people who ever expressed an interest in me were gay guys. That's just pouring salt on an open wound.
Anyway, compulsive lying has worked wonders for my emotional well being. I don't have a girlfriend, nor do I have any hope of getting one, but that didn't stop me from telling people about my phony girlfriend anyway. She exists only in an alternative universe, not in this one. Every day I dream about what I'm doing in the alternate reality.
People love being around me, when I'm BSing them with stories about what's going on in my alternate universe. They tell me I'm such a happy person and I'm a joy to be around. Of course, I'm stealing my happiness. It's fake happiness. I lie to even my own family members. I don't live by them so it's easy to get away with it. However, they think I'm a positive happy person. It's easy to be positive and happy when I refuse to live in reality!
Most of the time I can believe my own BS, but lying has limitations and lying to myself sometimes stops working. When it does, life is absolute hell. The loneliness is crushing, and it doesn't go away. When I see a couple, it reminds me of the fact that I have no one, and I get even more depressed.
I have hope that one day I'll wake up in the alternate universe I dream about so clearly every day. I can have hope and belief. If other people can believe there's an invisible man in the sky called God, I can believe there's an alternate universe where I live with my girlfriend and someday I'll wake up in that other dimension.
But, I might as well deal with reality. I'm overweight and I have really high blood pressure. Hopefully I'll drop dead one of these days, and hopefully reincarnation is true so there's some hope of getting dealt a better hand next time around. | |
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