I will start this by saying I am not after sympathy, nor am I after any kind of comfort I just felt like I needed to type my thoughts and this seemed like a nice place for them.
An extremely long story cut massively short, I have no friends and haven’t had any friends for the last 7 years, I don’t have a job.
I have lived with my parents my entire life because I have no way out, all my girl friends and friends betrayed and back stabbed me, infact everyone I have ever met has used me or brought harm upon me.
I can’t make new friends or meet a girl now because no one gives me a chance everyone thinks I’m crazy or insane or some kind of weirdo.
I can’t go out without getting into fights because people think I’m some kind of target coz I have a good looking face and they think I’m gay or something or there jealous assholes, fucks me why I always have to kick there ass before they piss off but that's not the point. Its like everyone is seriously out to get me and it has already destroyed my life to the point of no return.
Infact lots of people think I’m gay because I haven’t had a single relationship that hasn’t ended horribly with a girl and since have not been with any girl. This very thing has made me loose all hope in humanity because I seriously despise homosexuality and for me to be placed in this category angers me. Especially when these girls were so fucking horrible to me, to get oh you must be gay.. wow really go and die. The fact that people think this about me always has had a bad effect on my life because they treat me as if I am some kind of homo, and sorry if there is anyone gay reading this but no one likes a homo and due to the fact I’ve often been treated as if I were one I ESPECIALLY HATE THEM!
Even the love of my life only used me for money and openly admitted she had no care at all for me even tho I was always so good to her and we never fought, mean while she’s always giving me a hard time. I had to leave her because it was so depressing that was 3 years ago pfft love of my life.. longest relationship only lasted a year and she was just using me the entire time, just like everyone else.
I’m fucking pathetic. The next GF I had after that threatened to kill herself cut herself infront of me if I ever left her, meanwhile she’s out fucking every guy she meets behind my back it’s fucked up. hmm I cut my hand half open by mistake that year and funny enough that made me happier then anything else that year because at least seeing my cut open hand was entertaining. More entertaining then how fucked everything else is.
At one point in my life I hid myself away from the world locked in my room like a bloody Hikikomori, this went on for 4+ years until I met the girl of my dreams. then looked in the mirror and realised in a flash everything around me had changed but I hadn’t changed at all in 4+ years... I still felt like I was 18 in my mind but I was actually 22, maybe that's why she was able to take advantage of me so easy back then. Seeing my new aged face gave me the creeps like I my youth just vanished in a day.
I live with constant anxiety I now have anxiety attacks when I drink so I can’t drink anymore, I have taken every drug humanly possible, legal and illegal in my life I don't feel like I am normal at all I don’t feel like I belong anywhere so I am endlessly seeking alternat realities even MMORPGs anything is fine so long as I feel away from it all.
I don’t like people and I hate myself also. I kinda have gone back to my old ways locking myself away in my room never going outside because I got some messed up sickness due to the fact I sat on my ass for years, I just feel like what's the fucking point now. I can’t even sleep, fuck, eat or shit normal anymore because my body doesn't function correctly.
I mean holly crap, I have nothing worth living for, and even if I did I wouldn’t want to live like this, I don’t even have my health . I’m only 25 and I feel like I am an old man dieing from age. My dick doesn't even get hard half the time anymore and even if it dose it goes soft really quick so I can’t have sex so no girl would ever want me, I can’t take viagra because It causes me to have heart problems, I can’t take shits right coz my bowl has collapsed from the gravity of siting down so much for years flat and eating junk food “YES THIS IS POSSIBLE AND A FACT NOT A JOKE“, my skin is baggy, stretches and under my eyes are black, I got scaled lips because someone passed me crystal meth at a party when I was too young to know better or even what it was which at a later age caused a deformity in the cells.
Many people would think, I’m not sorry for you, you did this to yourself. But really did I make myself depressed? Was it me who did all the horrible stuff to make me lose hope in the first place? Was it me who messed me up so bad that I become a Hikikomori?
I am scared of the world, I am scared of people, I am scared of myself and I don’t care about anything. Livening is too much effort now, but dieing is too much of a bother to. So I just am a liveing, breathing nothing. I am not afraid of death when it arrives and I know that by continuing down this track it will defiantly come sooner then later but really I either live and try end up with everything lose it all again because it’s all just another lie then wind up killing myself or I do nothing because it’s a hopeless effort and maybe live longer then I would if I tried. | |
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