LIFE SUCKS

I can't change the past.

I googled "i am so lonely" and wound up here. Might as well tell my story.

I'm a 16 year-old guy who lives around people who all think the same way. All they talk about are sports, movies, and everything else that I don't care about. I can't relate with anybody at my school, so I just hang out with people and pretend to be friends with them, just to not look lonely. I feel like a satellite around them. Outside of school, my parents are always busy, and my brother and sister each have their own families to take care of. I play video games because I have no better way to pass the empty hours of my life. I also have a habit of staying up really late, because I really really really don't want to end today and face tomorrow. I don't feel loved.

I learned before my freshman year at highschool that I had aspergher's, and learning this was like learning you have been wrong, all your life. All 15 years of my life, pointless. It changed me like a horrible disease. I used to be outspoken, yet awkward, and now I hardly speak. I see the crowds bantering, and I emphasize with, and envy them. I can't talk with anybody because of my quiet nature, so I don't join in on any conversations with anybody. Sometimes I do complain to my "friends" about how lonely I am, and they simply judge me as "negative", and leave it at that.

During this fall semester, my sophmore year, I have been stuck in really difficult classes. Well, just one difficult class that's ruining me. I used to be an A/B student. My grades are now (in late November): A, B, C, F. Even if I don't care about my grades, my mom does. My honors algebra 2 teacher (the F) makes things as hard as possible, to my (and possibly others) expense. She takes up assignments randomly, without warning. She then grades only a few random problems (i.e. the ones I got wrong), so I have an F on every homework assignment. Probably consequently, I do awful on tests, too. She even called me out in front of the entire class, telling me that my "performance in class was unacceptable" and that my test scores were reflecting that. The people I hang around all tell me that I'm not the only one who fails her class, but the adults don't care. I would've dropped out of her class, but there is one problem. Nobody told me there was a point after which you couldn't drop out of a class. My parents asked "Are you sure?" and now I have to regret listening to them and waiting. Because of my math teacher, my mom is most likely going to judge me as lazy, and punish me for what was truthfully not my fault. Or was it? I can't decide if I'm too hard on myself or if I have too much self-pity.

"To teach is to touch a life forever." -A few magnets on my math teacher's whiteboard. Oh the irony.

Sometimes I fantasize about my own death. I once had a dream where I was stabbed violently, again and again, and whether or not I died, I met the guy who stabbed me, and I had no anger for what he did to me. The thing that's keeping me from leaving this world on my own is the fact that I can't die quietly. Someone would find my body, they would call the police, the news would eat it up, my family would erupt into chaos, my school would go up in flames, the entire state would go into uproar. Even though I'm NOT going to end my own life, I have a feeling my heart will go out on its own if this keeps up.

I've also pondered cutting myself, but there is no way I could get away with it. I wear short sleeved shirts under a jacket, and I'm usually taking this jacket off and on to deal with the contrast between the winter outside and the heater inside. If I were to cut my wrists, everyone would see the scars. I'm also a bit apprehensive about cutting the arteries I can clearly see through my pale (fair?) skin. I've also thought about slicing my upper arms, but if my sleeves were rolled up, the scars would be visible. I also get allergy shots, and I highly doubt the allergists would keep my self-mutilation a secret from my parents.

Some people tell me there is a light at the end of the tunnel (they don't know the full extent of my problems). Actually, my trouble is more like a never ending road, and the "light" is just a Weigles (convenience store, if you don't know. Are there Weigles in New York, Great Britain, and Germany?), followed by more road. It's 4:00 a.m. as I'm typing this, so I think I should wrap this up. Thanks for reading...