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I can't change the past.

Posted by anonymous at November 24, 2011
Tags: Juvenile problems  2011 November

I googled "i am so lonely" and wound up here. Might as well tell my story.

I'm a 16 year-old guy who lives around people who all think the same way. All they talk about are sports, movies, and everything else that I don't care about. I can't relate with anybody at my school, so I just hang out with people and pretend to be friends with them, just to not look lonely. I feel like a satellite around them. Outside of school, my parents are always busy, and my brother and sister each have their own families to take care of. I play video games because I have no better way to pass the empty hours of my life. I also have a habit of staying up really late, because I really really really don't want to end today and face tomorrow. I don't feel loved.

I learned before my freshman year at highschool that I had aspergher's, and learning this was like learning you have been wrong, all your life. All 15 years of my life, pointless. It changed me like a horrible disease. I used to be outspoken, yet awkward, and now I hardly speak. I see the crowds bantering, and I emphasize with, and envy them. I can't talk with anybody because of my quiet nature, so I don't join in on any conversations with anybody. Sometimes I do complain to my "friends" about how lonely I am, and they simply judge me as "negative", and leave it at that.

During this fall semester, my sophmore year, I have been stuck in really difficult classes. Well, just one difficult class that's ruining me. I used to be an A/B student. My grades are now (in late November): A, B, C, F. Even if I don't care about my grades, my mom does. My honors algebra 2 teacher (the F) makes things as hard as possible, to my (and possibly others) expense. She takes up assignments randomly, without warning. She then grades only a few random problems (i.e. the ones I got wrong), so I have an F on every homework assignment. Probably consequently, I do awful on tests, too. She even called me out in front of the entire class, telling me that my "performance in class was unacceptable" and that my test scores were reflecting that. The people I hang around all tell me that I'm not the only one who fails her class, but the adults don't care. I would've dropped out of her class, but there is one problem. Nobody told me there was a point after which you couldn't drop out of a class. My parents asked "Are you sure?" and now I have to regret listening to them and waiting. Because of my math teacher, my mom is most likely going to judge me as lazy, and punish me for what was truthfully not my fault. Or was it? I can't decide if I'm too hard on myself or if I have too much self-pity.

"To teach is to touch a life forever." -A few magnets on my math teacher's whiteboard. Oh the irony.

Sometimes I fantasize about my own death. I once had a dream where I was stabbed violently, again and again, and whether or not I died, I met the guy who stabbed me, and I had no anger for what he did to me. The thing that's keeping me from leaving this world on my own is the fact that I can't die quietly. Someone would find my body, they would call the police, the news would eat it up, my family would erupt into chaos, my school would go up in flames, the entire state would go into uproar. Even though I'm NOT going to end my own life, I have a feeling my heart will go out on its own if this keeps up.

I've also pondered cutting myself, but there is no way I could get away with it. I wear short sleeved shirts under a jacket, and I'm usually taking this jacket off and on to deal with the contrast between the winter outside and the heater inside. If I were to cut my wrists, everyone would see the scars. I'm also a bit apprehensive about cutting the arteries I can clearly see through my pale (fair?) skin. I've also thought about slicing my upper arms, but if my sleeves were rolled up, the scars would be visible. I also get allergy shots, and I highly doubt the allergists would keep my self-mutilation a secret from my parents.

Some people tell me there is a light at the end of the tunnel (they don't know the full extent of my problems). Actually, my trouble is more like a never ending road, and the "light" is just a Weigles (convenience store, if you don't know. Are there Weigles in New York, Great Britain, and Germany?), followed by more road. It's 4:00 a.m. as I'm typing this, so I think I should wrap this up. Thanks for reading...


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Comments:
By anonymous at 28,Dec,11 06:16

I feel your pain, i too am in the same situation but do not have the stomach to cut myself, my "friends" have deserted me, and the girl i once loved is purposefully trying to make me feel like shit. Life sucks
By anonymous at 29,Dec,11 18:11

Believe me ....no point in harming yourself....I did after losing my boyfriend than realised I am hurting myself for something which is not worth it ......as I shall have to live with these scars, reminders and haunting memories every day for the rest of my life. Took me about two years to get over him but I have and am happy without him. You shall to one day. My friends deserted me when I went through this break up and haven't bothered with them since...Instead I finally joined the gym made a few friends there and took short courses to get out the house.

Self harming will take the pain away for a few moments not for your entire life. If worst comes to worst than put ice on your skin its a clinically proven substitute to help over come the self harming and terrible feelings.


By anonymous at 28,Dec,11 14:14

I wrote life sucks in google search and it brought me here. I must say that you are being way too hard on yourself. Honors classes ... come on! How the heck did you get into such a class? Because you are smarter than you think. What changed when you found out you had aspergers? This is syndrome that more effects your ability to make and keep friends and family close with some lack of ability to focus on tasks.. such as homework. It sounds like you need to go to someone in school for afterschool help in your Algebra to get through this course. It is a hard course! Also, Do not hurt yourself. There really is no control in that measure. Life is what it is and you make the best of what you get. So you have aspergers. Just strive to find two people you can be good friends with and learn to maintain those relationships. My daughter has aspergers-undiagnosed and untreated. She has three children. The first one she did not bond with at all! The second one .. a little more. This last one.. she just can't get enough of her. I have watched her struggle with a relationship as simple as that... mother to child... she has no close friends. It is hard but it is doable! You have your whole life ahead of you. See the school counselor regarding how to deal with aspergers and look in the mirror and know that you are kind, caring and damn smart! (secret- I think I have always had aspergers before it had a name- I am 44 and just graduated from the masters program of Nursing ... if I can do it ... I believe you can too. I certainly would never have had grades that would have gotten me into an Honors class in school!! )


By anonymous at 28,Dec,11 14:24

me again... as you look around at the adults around you... start taking a look at how many 'real' friends they have. You will find that most adults are lucky to have 2 friends that they can count on and are close to. any more than that, a person loses their ability to fully commit to the relationship of friend, I think... anyways.
cutting is usually done by someone who is trying to gain control of some part of their life. Same as death is to a suicidal person. What control is there in hurting yourself? Like life is not messy already. Instead of thinking about those things... make a list of things you know you are good at... obviously school work is there somewhere... cooking? baking? crafts? biking? tennis? do things that you excel at and will make you feel good. I will check here to see if you post a response. I am sorry that you are feeling this way. http://www.webmd.com/brain/autism/tc/aspergers-syndrome-symptoms?page=2 the problem will become better into adulthood as seen on the previous page. this next one is one more for knowledge of the aspergers itself and to a support network. Use it... you are not alone in this.
By anonymous at 28,Dec,11 20:22

dont bother with the jerk below, your problems are real, you just have to get thru them some how.


By anonymous at 28,Dec,11 19:21

ya'll are still kids. you have so much to learn. real problems are: illness, being homeless, begging for food, having no $ for important things, cancer, loved ones dying,

not real problems: being an outcast in school,
By anonymous at 28,Dec,11 20:21

you are being a jerk.


By anonymous at 28,Dec,11 21:54

Im NOT being a jerk im just being REAL..and if you cant handle that then TO BAD KITTY CAT.. And go somewhere else.. >:/
By anonymous at 28,Dec,11 22:10

All pain is real. I'm sorry you feel this way. The good thing is everything in life changes. I hope yours changes for the better.


Sometimes if you volunteer your time it helps to get of your own deal.
By anonymous at 29,Dec,11 18:06

This person is not being a jerk but stating the obvious ....if your mind could collectivity think outside the box ...he/she is giving an example that someone else is always suffering more than you.


By anonymous at 29,Dec,11 13:07

don't take it too badly... it sucks but you can always find a way. there are people like you who you can relate and fulfill your social needs (or wants) with... like me for example. i sort of began suspecting i might have a mild form of asperger's or something a while ago and i'm still not sure. but i am weird; that's for sure. i also don't really do too well in school socially, kind of like you. and as for math, i'm sorry. i can relate. my school calls that class advanced algebra 2/3 and i took it last year. i made it out with b's both semesters but it was pretty horrible. this semester i took pre-calculus and i got a c. i dropped out, so next semester i'm doing a different math class. but just do the best you can... things will turn out the way they turn out and work themselves out somehow. don't hurt yourself... just think about what hurting yourself really is, what it means. think about what it really is. please don't do it. and i have had my little bit of suicidal thoughts as well. not real ones, but, well, that sort of thing sort of goes along with borderline disorder which i have. i can relate to what you said. but you can make it through like i do. spend some time online, maybe. find people like you. good luck; i know you can do this.


By anonymous at 29,Dec,11 20:50

hey man I feel u, im in the exact same boat only I dont have any reason as to why people just cast me aside, they just do.... and its been one situation after another in which im left completely by myself to cope with my loneliness I hope theres a "light at the end" cus it sure doesnt look like it from here :(


By anonymous at 29,Dec,11 20:57

Oh god, someone who I actually identify with. It's okay, it does get better (or so I'm told).

I wish you all the best in your life, and your math teacher is an asshole and I would LOVE to tell that bitch off.

Get happy! (I don't know how.. But it's worth a try.)

:) I would be your friend. But you probably would hate me.


By at 29,Dec,11 22:31

i am 54 years old and this is what i can tell you. people can suck and there isn't anything you can do about it. what you can do is find your purpose in life. stay busy, learn something new, write a book... think towards the future. people are still disappointing me. it's worse when they're your family. use your energy towards something positive. in the end we can only make ourselves happy. be stron; you are not alone. hugz to you...


By anonymous at 30,Dec,11 04:59

+1 for above post...
By anonymous at 31,Dec,11 08:17

+2


By anonymous at 01,Jan,12 02:30

+3


By anonymous at 01,Jan,12 13:23

i feel bad fr u bless


By Jenelle at 15,May,17 02:08

Yo, that's what's up trtyhfullu.


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