When I was in 7th grade, I went through a battle with an eating disorder. It sucked, but in a way it didn't. And then it really did, I had a boyfriend, and he kept asking me to do more and more sexual things with him, and I was 12/13. We ended up breaking up because I moved away and no actual physical harm done but to this day about two years later I feel like the only reason he liked me was because I was pretty. He never called me, and didn't even invite me to his birthday party. I know that seems stupid but its just what it is. Another thing that happened to me in 7th grade was that I didn't know what school was like. I came from a back round that didn't prepare me for school especially not the private school that I went to. It was a terrible year. I got into a fight with one of the closest friends that I've ever had and only after two years, after I moved back home, we finally are starting to get back to where we were 2 years ago. In 7th grade it was hard, the worst memory I have is from that year. Apparently I deserved to be insulted for three full hours, because my english teacher took all of the girls in my class outside to the field and made us have a meeting to "fix all of our problems" but really what I heard was that I was a bad friend, I was unloyal, I was mean, I didn't apologize right, I made one girl "want to move to a different school," one girl said "raise your hands if you dread going to school every day because of (lets just say lila) Lila," and my best friend told me she didn't forgive me for what I had apologized it seemed like a thousand times for, I could have definitely been a better person in 7th grade, but I deserved the benefit of the doubt, I didn't deserve that, and to this day it affects me, and makes it hard for me to do certain things. Over the year, I struggled with anorexia. I remember one time when I was just getting better I went over to the house of a "friend" around easter time and she gave me the biggest chocolate bunny I had ever seen, it was terrible, I ate it all and felt sick, like I wanted to throw up, she didn't realize that she was hurting me, and she didn't care. That same girl told me once that I needed to control what I did around the class, because my feelings changed everything about it, and that I needed to spend less time with my boyfriend because "I wasn't thinking of the class enough," I could go on and on about all of these things. Really all they have done is made is so that just now when I was about to pick up the phone to call one of my friends, I didn't because I am afraid that she'll think that I am only calling her to get together, and say that I should call someone else.
In 8th grade, my life got better, I lived somewhere far away from my previous home, and I met a whole different group of people. In the beginning it was hard for me to make friends because I was terrified about 7th grade repeating itself, but in the end it was ok, sort of. I never really felt like I got settled, maybe it was because we were always going to go back home from that house, we were only going to stay for a year. Throughout the year, I struggled with anorexia. I gained slowly, while trying to diet, and not telling my parents about any of this. I was terrified that I'd never date anyone again because I was so ugly, and I'm sad to say that I haven't. I always think that it's because I'm so ugly, or annoying, or clingy. I don't know why it is but thats just the way that I feel.
This year I'm back in the old home, and I feel so alone. I'm scared to call people, scared of my appearance, and totally in love with a boy who I shouldn't like. I'm scared to call people because I feel like they hate me, and am scared to do anything. My mom always yells at me telling me that if I want a life I should call someone and I know she's right, I'm just so scared to do anything. I just need to tell my best friend this, but I'm scared she'll just say "oh I'm sorry" and then move on to the next thing. Everybody has their problems, why should they listen to mine. | |
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