I'm a 26 yr. old woman who has an IQ of 89 and was tested by a psychiatrist in High School. Although parts of the test, I scored 140 or above. I have ADD "Attention Deficit Disorder" w/out hiper activity. I had full financial aid but failed a basic math pre requisette 3 times. So no degree. I've had 4 jobs that lasted for 7-10months, one for 3 yrs. and a ton of stupid short term jobs in between. Every job I've had was the kind you peed in a cup for when they hire you. I live with my mom and once I made around 24,000 one year but never more than that. I've never felt like I belonged anywhere, I mean I never had friends. While in school I usually had 1 person I couldn't wait to see everyday but by High School I never had another "best friend". Maybe I'd get along really well at times with someone but I'd secretly be embarrassed that they were my friend. I'm not close at all with my mom, not since I was 15. She's a nice person but we're not alike although she reminds me of some of my flaws. In the past 3 years especially, I can't stand her and have been unneccessarily cold towards her but feel sorry for her at the same time. My Dad has always been around and there for me. I have a sibling who turned out normal if not better than normal and nice. But the thing about my Dad is that he's mest up. He's a good Dad but at this point, we all know he is going to die from alcholism because he can't stay sober. I hate everyday of my life. My mom is losing the house and I have been trying to keep going with the one thing that has always made me happy since I was 10 and that is riding horses. But now that Im finally getting really good (it took me this long since I never could afford a horse, just leasings, and I suck at learning to ride but at least I like it) and Im on my way to training for money and have a plan to finally get my own horse, my mom can't pay for the house. She will be 60, and Im left to take care of things, I hate her, Im the worst person to have to take care of her as she gets old. I won't do it, I cringe everytime she just walks in the door.
Now I have always been kind of depressed/sad, sometimes really sad as a kid, but here's the thing that I think about everyday and has been the worst thing thats ever happened in my life: When I was 22 I had become very lonely and unsure of what to do with my life. I had moved away for a couple months but it was horrible. I got a job quick in fast food,mostly thinking about running away again or in front of a speeding truck. Then I found something that I thought was the solution to all my problems, a high paying labor job, close to my house which never happens and it had benefits. It was clean, I could do physical work to no end, no customers, easy, mostly guys which was scary at first but turned out to be a good thing and best of all, I could afford things. But inside I was still 16 and waiting to go to the prom (which I opted out of because I was fat in High School). There was this guy at work, the worst guy. Four years older, dumb as shit, disgusting, not ugly but definately not "hot", not in any way nice. He was small, always moving or talking, wierd, mean and didn't need friends but he was loud and never shy. People would joke he was gay because he was small, anorexic and so wierd, but he wasn't gay. I think the community of gay men would be insulted by anyone who really thought he was a gay man. I didn't really like him at first. I even took him out to eat because no one else would and I was bored so just the two of us went, not a date at all. I thought to myself, ok I guess I was wrong, we can't even be friends, he's wierd and I think I might be smarter than him. He didn't like me and even if he thought I was pretty he had a gf and its easy to tell Im not the type to mess around. But for some reason, even though there were better guys around I became attracted to this jerk. I had met allot of jerks, I knew what they were, I still don't know why I ended up lusting after him. Actually it was a secret for a long time, he didn't even know. Everyone else could tell but surprisingly he didn't really get it for a while. Probably because he was having so much sex he couldn't have noticed that I had a stupid crush on him. He didn't like me. He liked sluts. We ended up being sort of friends, but wouldn't have been if I hadn't stalked him every chance I got. Anyway you can guess the end of this story. Eventually we had a big blow up, or more like I did, because he just wanted to mess around a few times and never talk to me and got back together with his gf. I felt bad for her, she was 8 yrs. younger then him. So it wasn't even a relationship and he said the sex didn't count and that I was still a virgin. I don't think so, and luckily I don't have an std and I only know that because its been almost 3 years and I have no symptoms and had my blood tested. I would never be ok with going to a gynocologist. Im atheist, not dumb, its just the way I feel, I won't let anyone see me naked. I get annoyed if someone just brushes up against me in a crowd. I'll never have a bf or want to have sex. Now I have figured out after all these years that the reason I stayed a virgin till I was almost 24 is because I don't like sex. Only in my own mind. In reality I know I hate it, which really sucks because its not like I didn't want to fall in love and have fun with that person, not just sex, but fun enjoying life. Now its like Im just waiting to die sometimes. I thought about killing myself for a while and I really wanted to, I wasn't scared, but I wouldn't because of my parents. I think he might have killed himself by the way. I just feel like thats where he was headed. Last I heard he told me he was moving somewhere I would never find him. I had no intention of ever seeing him again. I was trying to talk to him over the internet to get closure or just to figure out what or why this happened, who he was. Of course I knew him well but not well enough to have had sex with him. I think he might be dead because I don't know how he lives with himself and I think he was doing presciption drugs to try to help with what ever is wrong with him that he can't figure out. I cried allot and didn't want to believe he's dead so I looked up obituaries and didn't find anything so I hoped he was still alive even though I hated him. At the same time I felt like I loved him, but it was not love. Wasn't lust. The only way I can describe it is that I was in a bad love. I thought he was a sociopath for a long time but now Im thinking that can't be true because if he was he could have done worse, he tried to do worse, asked me obcene questions. But he could've done more damage by using me in other ways and he didn't. Maybe because he just had other resources and its not like I had allot for him to take. But sociopaths don't cry. I said something to him one time on his porch and he got teary eyed, not on purpose, it was just for a split second and he told me he'd call me later to talk (lying). Maybe it was totally unrelated to what I had said and he was upset about something else that had to do with himself & not other people. But had started crying when I said it and thats when he started crying. When we had sex it wasn't horrible. Parts of it were like some things he said or what happened when we were done but the only part where I felt like he was making me do something I really didn't want to do but did it because I liked him was when I gave him oral sex. I had done it to him before but this time it wasn't fun for me. I felt like it wasn't me doing it, it was just this disgusting thing that happened with my body. If I was married or it had been a more serious relationship then it would've made more sense and I wouldn't think of it as disgusting. So my first and only time felt like I was a hooker and I didn't even get paid. I had gotten fired from my job for something I said to someone. It was bad but the other guy should've been fired too. Thats when I officially turned my friendship with this loser into sex. I came over his apartment all sad and I knew he didn't have a gf anymore so I made out with him/ slept over. He was surprised and asked me if I was sure a couple times. I had never even kissed anyone before. I thought I could make him my boyfriend. I wonder if he really thought I was still a virgin or just kept saying that because he's an a**hole. I had a small orgasm, we definatly had sex. He orgasmed just from a hand job. For a long time afterwards, because having sex was so new to me and seemed so crazy that I did that, I thought there was something wrong with me for not coming all the way or feeling more turned on while having sex. I told him I thought I was imputent (sexually disfunctional but I said imputent)because I had masterbated in the shower. I thought maybe I was the only girl who ever masterbated in such a wierd way and any other girl who figured out that the shower can be used that way wouldn't do it because its wrong. He told me I wasn't "imputent" and looked sad but I had been convinced there might have been something wrong with me before we had sex. I kept saying, there's something wrong with me right? I was mortified and wouldn't believe anything he said. So that's why my life sucks, in the short version of things anyway. Amazingly I'm not on drugs nor have done them. After the whole, lets ruin our life AND be a whore episode, I did drink allot but I stopped doing that. | |