LIFE SUCKS

i love him

I know some of youll say thats not that bad but i tell you anyway
i live in germany berlin
well i met this guy
And it was like love at first sight.
We knew us only for 4 days and started a relationship...i was totally in love with him i felt that i was just living for him.but even before i met him i had really hard depressions.and lotta suicidal thoughts. We were almost a year together and i knew i could tell him all my problems because he said that hed always be there to kiss my tears away.but that was all a lie. One day he broke up with me saying he lost his feelongs for me and he cant endure my endless complaining.
We can stay friends he said so i just rarely talked to him...than he told me to stay away because he needs a bit time.ive respected that and left him alone for months.but i couldnt get him outta my head.i was crying every night and one day i couldnt hold anymore and told him that im going to kill myself because ive missed him...he just ignored me.
I felt worthless that moment because i knew that i meant nothing to him NOTHING.
So i tried to die six times in a week.
But as you can see it all failed.so i got to a psychiatrie for 3 months and ive been cutting myself almost every week and endless consequences for that. For example i wasnt allowed to see my parents or leave my room.I ate in my bed the only thing i did was painting and crying...because ill never be with him anymore.
One day i thought ive lost all my feelongs for him but then i realized that i still need him.
And i do right now i miss him more than anything in the world but i mean nothing to him less then nothing