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What did I do Wrong?

Posted by Cassie at December 3, 2011
Tags: Anxiety  Attitude  2011 December

I was a good student my whole life, never got into any trouble. Always did the right thing, especially homework. I ended up in the top percentage of my graduating class, went to college.

College absolutely SUCKED! I had made friends, but by the end of freshman year, we had all grown appart or they didn't approve of my religion (or lack of a care for religion) or the fact that I decided to join a sorority (a club of women usually associated with hazing and full of ignorant people, but actually the opposite in regards to the one i joined). My second year came in which I ended up having a huge fight with my roomate/bestfriend and we haven't spoken since. A "sister" (member of the sorority) moved into my room and things were fine untill she started teasing me for my virginity. Then the isolation started when I would often disagree with this person on many subjects, and this person was considered the 'favorite' of the group (so maybe my earlier statement about the group not having ignorant people is false...) I started cutting myself due to all the stress of loosing close friends, having to deal with religious ignorance (from the student body and professors), and not finding any close relationships within the sorority I joined.

Unable to afford to transfer schools, I did the best I could and picked up a second major that did not judge its students on their religion. I was also diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, which helped to lesen the stress that was being put on me to be more "outgoing" by said sorority. Eventually I accepted that my first major (biblical archeology) would never prove useful and that I would never find any close relationships with those I went to school with. Home-sickness caught up with me since I was virtually alone miles away from home. At the end of the year, I was forced to either live with the person from the previous year that had teases me about my virginity, or living alone. I chose to live alone.

My last year of college, instead of partying with all my "friends" and enjoying the respect and special events that come along with senior year at this institution, I spent the year alone in my room. All by myself with no one to talk to. I finally ended up loosing my last contact with in the sorority, and didn't get to participate in special senior celebrations due to money.

I finally graduated, and on graduation day no one said good bye to me. I left the campus and havne't returned since. I didn't even go to homecomming (a HUGE alumni celebration) even though I could have technically afforded it. It would be one thing if others from this institution felt the same, but they all seemed to have found some kind of family at the school. I just discovered hell.

AFter graduating, it took me awhile to find a job, as is typical of today's economy. However, when I finally got a job, it was overnight and my coworker was very manipulative. It stressed me out soo much, especially with my social anxiety disorder, that I was unable to perform my job. Eventually I was able to move to the evening/night shift, but at a loose of hours. So now my whole paycheck goes right to my student loans which are to pay for those four horrible years. I was able to get away from the terrible co-worker (now turned supervisor) for a while, but I'm back to working with him again. And to top it off, I was suspose to have his job but the company never "got around" to training me". Now i'm a cashier who puts up with customers who have called me worthless and stupid dispite my Bachelor of arts degree.

Besides work, or now lack there of, I have a boyfriend. This is the one great thing that came from college, but he was unable to finish school and left after our freshman year. Thankfully we've been together since and I wouldn't know what to do without him. However, he's in the same boat as me in terms of no money, and lives about an hour and a half away. We are in love, but only get to see eachother one weekend every other week. It also means we can't live together (can't afford to leave our current jobs) and essentially get married any time soon. And to top it off, I get extreme pain when we are...intimate...to the point that I can't even let him touch me anymore. We've done it once and its not fair to him to have to wait for me. I know I am lucky because he is patient, but its still not fair.

Along with that, I have health problems. I see a "lady doctor" but havenot been able to go through an examn due to the extreme ammount of pain I"m in. I either have another anxiety disorder, endometriosis, or cancer. Yes, cancer at the age of 23. Good thing I never wanted to go through pregnancy...might mave to get everything removed. Or my mind is more fucked up than I had anticipated. Greeeeat.

Oh, and support? I live at home with my two elderly parents (yes, 23 and I have elderly parents. I can't take care of myself, how am I suspose to take care of older people?) and have never felt a loving relationship with them. They are the enemy. I hate my mother and can barely stand my father. There is just too much of an age gap for us to get along. I come home from work after being yelled at by customers and considered 'unimportant' by management, to people who are suspose to protect and comfort me but instead continue the verbal and emotional abuse I experience at work. My only escape is when my boyfriend comes to visits...every two weeks.

And my "friends"? I have been furtunate to have kept the same friends since highschool...but I dont' want them. They're ignorant and rude. I can never say what I truly want to say and after college, I"m afraid of being alone again. I have nothing in common with them anymore and outings are very boring and a waste of money. Also, they, except a few, have good jobs (or at least jobs that are full time during the day) so they can afford to go out and have fun. AND THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY I CAN'T DO ANYTHING! I can very easily go to someone's house on a saturday night and just hang out..but they always ALWAYS want to go to an expensive restaurant or something and I just can't afford it. It doesn't help either that one of them has no job at all but her parents pay for her to go out and have fun. If only we could all be so lucky.

I started to improve my life by trying to get my driver's liscence so I could get a job in my field thats further away and more open to recent grads..but when I showed up for the test, the emergency brake failed the car was rejected. AND my ID expired, so I cannot go out to bars/drinking with friends (not that I could because I can't afford it anyways). AND! I want to take the GRE's (test to get into graduate school) so that I can get into a certificate program so that I can at least get interviews for jobs, and i just realized, the saturday before the test, that I do not have a proper form of ID. So now I'm our $160 which is more than I make in two weeks.

so to recap:
Good student
Horrible college experience
Horrible job that I had worked hard in school to NOT have
Can't get a job in my field despite having three years experience in said field
Car was rejected for driver's test
Id expired
I can't take the GREs for I have no ID
I'm out $160
Can't be intimate with boyfriend
Might have a serious disease
Hate parents
Hate where I live
Hate my life

seriously, what did I do wrong in life? I thought I was on the right path with doing my homework and being a good little girl? I'm now realizing that my whole childhood was a waste since I never did anything with friends or had typical teenage moments since I was too afraid of not getting my homework done on time. Seriously, didn't even get my liscence for fear it would interfer with my school work. I did was all the adults said to do so that I could get a good job and not work in retail my whole life with crappy pay and hours. I'm suspose to be some archeologists or currator and having my own appartment with my boyfriend, being able to live ok, paying back loans, and possibly planning a wedding. Not this bullshit. People who were terrible in school, delinquents, and those who did barely any work in college have better jobs/lives than me.

What did I do wrong?


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Comments:
By kifi4@hotmail.com at 04,Jan,12 19:37

YOu are wrong for the following bullet points:

*Good students=no social life as most people were never good students to begin with. Nerdy at books? Didn't do life by normal behavious? Thanks your hardwork and parents

*Horrible colleges? Is more about how prepared you are to meet new people and make friends, and for you? Life sucks.

*That piece of paper they gave you in your graduation means nothing to people who are reading resumes everyday. In fact those who read your academic results may be normal people them-self. Also that the notion of academic = high earning position is a fabricated fact as there is more financial interests behind it then interests for hardworking people since their youth.

*Car? Cant past the test? Get a motor cycle and it's license to get around. The test is easier and the lesson is cheaper. With it, you can get run over legally. Also that you can meet some educated people who ride Harley Davidson.

*Photo license other than dirver license? Ask the police in your City, see if they issue keypass. Get a fucking passport from the immigration department!

*Can't fuck your by? Your fault for joining that religion. Go lesbian or masturbate until you are sold for marriage (Humor)Like a husband who pays for your living place and food, so you can wait for him to come home after work or cheating on you with left over seed is his male bag. But it's alright, he paid for it, just be there for him lolll
By anonymous at 05,Jan,12 04:07

who are you, your comment was insensitive, hateful, and inaccurate!

Cassie i'm so sorry that luck has not been on your side in life, but hopefully things will turn around soon with your graduate school endeavors.

(As for your life during college I am in a very similar boat right now).
By anonymous at 08,Jan,12 23:39

Fuck you asshole..and casey go fuck your self ok..
By kifi4@hotmail.com at 06,Feb,12 11:07 Fold Up

At 05,Jan,12 04:07

I am my email address, you can contact me and find out. I am less sensitive and caring for having typed so much.

I am NOT hateful but harsh with honesty in my comment.

My comment has to be inaccurate as I don't know her in person and I dont live where she lives.


By anonymous at 05,Jan,12 11:41

You need to remember you when to collage to gt a degree not meet friends ..
Your letting people mess up your future if you let them ...

Stay focus on your school work and if it means having no friends then so be it .
They will not be around when you need to find a job .

I think so many young kids forget why they go to collage it's not about friends it's about education .

Stay strong and find something you enjoy and you might meet new people but don't let people rule how you feel and are because at the end of the day it's you who need to get your degree and others who fail want to see others fail as well .


By at 06,Jan,12 14:51

Aloha! bvf


By Jim at 07,Jan,12 22:36

You didn't do anything wrong. Health issues for example are usually unavoidable unless you're a huge drug consumer, smoke, etc. What I'd suggest doing is finding a hobby for yourself it sounds simple and kind of stupid but all that stress and anxiety needs to be channeled into a neutral state. I for one, being 19, find my best escape in classical music it's my way of coping with annoying parents, terrible friends, shitty school (community college) and boring job. I just lock myself up in my room and browse the web for all sorts of 'classical music' which actually holds a large variety of different styles and instruments. Aside from all that I usually try to forget about things which usually doesn't work, but I can numb myself from time to time when I just think about stuff that's made me truly happy and I just have still frames in my head of those moments. Sometimes sitting outside in the warm weather (when it's warm) soaking up a little sun and reading a book really helps. Also something else I'd like to suggest is try to get rich or set a really high goal for yourself, it's a goal few reach, but material things really numbs the brain of anxiety and stress. Sometimes I forget how long I've been playing with all the apps on my Ipad. Try to think positive, the mind is far more powerful than one thinks.
By anonymous at 09,Sep,12 19:36

You are awesome and especially for being do young !! Best wishes for a great future. You have a good head on your shoulders !


By anonymous at 22,Jul,13 15:09

OMG ! I feel sorry for you but in your life doesn't seem like you gave up. So here you are , hang in there fight it out and things will always get better. Just look forward to those times of having a future with your loving boyfreind , kids . Oh what an life that's gonna be. And that's like another 50yrs of life remainig during when most of your friends as life would have it maybe miserable. So Imbsaying , your amazing for hanging in there but you may not realise it. Go seek advice from professionals regarding your medical condition n trust me it ain't that bad


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