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just another person left behind

Posted by Chell at December 5, 2011
Tags: 2011 December  Family  Life Story

First off, I know that there is way worse out there, but it does not ease the pain even the slightest.

Born into a lower middle class family, you could say it was pretty average start. My brother had many health issues from the time he was little however and my family spent years in and out of hospitals. My brother by the age of 10 had gone through a removal of his spleen and bonemarrow cancer which lead my family into bankruptcy. I learned early on about responsibility and taking care of myself because of our situation. It would have been easier to cope with though if I didn't have a father who was very abusive and suffered from paranoid personality disorder along with anger issues. My mother was oblivious on how much my brother and I suffered at the hands of our own father. When I was 10 years of age, I was made to take care of my baby sister every day after school until it was very late. I didn't even get to see my mother except on the weekends because I would come home just after she left for work. My father would leave my brother and I to be with his friends, so we had no choice but to take care of our baby sister for all her needs each evening... which meant we fell behind in school because of not being able to complete our homework most of the time. After my second little sister was born my mother finally quit her job so that she could be home and finally realized what had been happening. Mom and dad fought every night, I was stressed out so much that I fell into a depression when I was 12. It was around that time I told my mother that I did not believe in god like she did... she more or less disowned me after that. Life did not get easier from there, debt and fights got worse. One time my father pulled a rifle on my mother, even though it wasn't loaded, it was still scary. I found out later on how much they fought when I was younger and that my mother had almost ran away with my brother and I.

When I was 15, she divorced my dad finally after he told her that she had no backbone. I was so happy, but at the same time I was scared about if we were going to make it. My brother and I both worked so that we could help out our mother and 3 little siblings. In 2003, we moved away from Alaska and down to Texas where she met this guy. I had dropped out of school while my brother graduated before we left. It turns out that this guy she met turned out to be some psycho. We had to move into her parent's basement until we could finally get a place to rent on our own. Life for me was pretty hectic being moved around everywhere and not knowing what was going to happen next, but we coped like we always had. When I was 19, I moved in with my brother and his new wife because I was to uncertain at that point if I could even make it in college and on my own. It turned out to be a very awful relationship between the two and they constantly fought. I tried to keep to myself as much as possible, but never was able to get out and make any friends other than online. My sister-in-law left my brother for his best friend... found out she had been cheating on him for months. It was a devastating blow. Apparently she wanted children, but sadly he was unable to because going through the bone marrow transplant made him sterile. My brother and I stayed roommates, but it was not easy. I lost my job because of a mistake someone else made, then got another job that ended up putting way to much stress on myself. Found out in 2008 that my identity had been stolen and this illegal immigrant had been working jobs under my name while claiming a ton of dependents on the tax forms... It was hell trying to sort everything out when no one was willing to help me. IRS was hounding me for thousands of dollars in taxes because of this.

I had gotten so stressed out that my depression had returned full force. I fell into the lowest point of my life and tried to take it several times which landed me in the hospital 3 times. I had no money to pay for counseling at any time and no family that I could talk to since my mother was having her own issues and my brother didn't want to hear it.

I fought my way through the next several months until I finally lost another job and could not find another. I had no other choice than to move back in with my abusive father. I have been depressed/stress out every day for the past 3 years now. Every time I get a job, I can't hold it and all I ever want to do is sleep.

When you think your life has hit it's all time low, well life doesn't give a crap. My brother last July, who had been in pain for a long time from several health issues he still dealt with, was found to have colon cancer and a large tumor had attached to his spine while blocking his colon entirely. He was alone up in Anchorage with no family that could be there for him while he went through treatment. After they shrunk the tumor, they found out that he had bone cancer throughout his entire body and there was no chance for him. At the age of 27, he died this last Nov 8th.

Even though we had our rough times, I was devastated because I was really close to my brother. He gave me his car so I could move back down closer to my mother and siblings and go to college. It sold for a measly $800, but I started filling out all the paperwork anyways. I was set and ready to go after putting a lot of effort into getting everything arranged when I found out that I didn't qualify for even close to what I needed in loans.

Now I am stuck here in a tiny one bedroom apartment with the father I hate and no hope for any kind of future... now you tell me if my life sucks


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Comments:
By Vapor at 08,Jan,12 20:37

Chell, I am so...so very sorry. I understand being at your wits end. I understand having no hope. I even understand feeling like you have no control over your your life. But you are a strong, young man, and just because you feel like there is no hope, doesn't mean it is not there...surely you can appreciate how different "seems" is from reality. Just don't stop, never stop. I know I am overstepping my bounds, but...your brother and you were quite close. Perhaps he would want you to not give up?


By anonymous at 08,Jan,12 23:58

Hi Chell. I really feel for you having read your story. I will tell you that you write well, and I think if you could get yourself into college, you could do well. I know that seems a daunting task with the course your life has taken. But you have made it through so many things. You owe it to yourself to get that education and get away from your father. Your brother was lucky to have you in his life. I lost my brother to bone cancer also, and it was a very sad thing. I wish you all of the best. I think you are a smart young woman and you can push past this. I really do believe you can do it. Best of luck to you.


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