I will warn you up front, i dont know how write good. So grammar nazis please cut me some slack.
1. worked with husband in successful business
2. Divorced him taking nothing as i felt (at age 30) he had given me a great life whiel we were together financially, & knowledge in the industry we worked, we had no kids... Afterall i was his wife/companion, not a prositute.
3. I decided pre 9-11 to join the military so i could add electronics to my knowledge base.
4. 9/11 happened I was deployed in 03 got a blast injury
5. fight with military for over 3 yrs about diagnosis, meds ect ect.
6. They compromised with diagnosis to get me out before my 6 yr mark.
7. the VA i went to~ totally changed my diagnosis to mental after ONE inprocessing interview.
8. Under mental i didnt qualify for free meds & forced to pay for them, because NONE were related to their diagnosis... I had TBI, PTSD, MSTD~ VA decided sme kind of somatoform disorder.
9. due to the disorder diagnosis, i didnt qualify for many of the voc rehab programs "just wouldnt have been able to handle the stress"
10. They didnt want me to disclose to potential employers that i lose conciousness or have bouts of vertigo & migraines which tend to make me throw up at the most inopportune times.... lol the food industry would love to havve me ^^
11. I insisted to have that in writing, as a response they "compromised" & wrote the following so n so may work for 2-3 days a week but the VA blah blah will not be held liable for any on the job accidents that may occur.
LOL you done laughing yet?
I didnt want to go to another sytem when the system that broke me was paying bare minimum, so i held out for over a year before i went to SSI who gave me 700$ but deducts 100$ for medical even tho I am supposedly medically covered at the VA(i get 550 from military MINUS meds if i take the ones Im suppose to for 65$ a month)
The VA as did the military told me "just go live at home" Go volunteer work (lol if i can be reliable enuf to volunteer then i should be qualified to fkin work for a wage!)
Now years of sitting around in a broken mind & brain with terrible teeth from all the vomiting, not allowed to go at college or to work. Dating men that are mentally worse off than me, because no decent guy deserves this much luggage. I find that i am now depressed.
Stage depression.
I have decided my organs would better serve someone CAPABLE or DESIRING to LIVE life not simply just exist in it.
I say to self, before doing anything rash "reach out" for your familles sake.
I reached out. Went to ER where the Psychiatrist YELLED at me & put all my business in parking lot. Will nto make that mistake again.
I cannot sit here staring at walls any longer. My 40th BDAY is next week. I have been unproductive for over 8 yrs. Im out of distractions. My case is somewhere in DC as a Judge throughout the VAs "diagnosis" problem is I have no steady place to live & no car to get to appointments & i will not take a van with a bunch of strange men who prolly are on their way to therapy for raping someone. Since i will not utilize that mode of transportation & the nearest VA is over 30 minutes a way by car & I not near a bus route. I fk myself.
anyways i took my moeny for this months pay & bought a ticket to Vegas for my BDAY. While some know Im planning to "unburden" the guy I am presently loving (he is quite nice)they dont realize i didnt buy a ticket to leave vegas. Its seems my life i worked for balance & decent jobs, & good friends was destined to be cut a lil shorter than others. Im not sad or scared. I dont feel selfish, as i was always told "you cant live your life for others" so to me I just look at it as I dont want to "EXIST" with NO life just to spare a handful of people a few tears. Believe me death sure beats "existing" whiel you stress famille out with worries of whether you "remembered to turn of f the stove" or worried that you are so miserable with the funny 180degree flip life sent your way. I dont feel helpless. I dont feel unworthy. I had a good life. Drove great cars travelled the world once had true faerytale "in love" did everything i wanted with the exception I got injured befor ei could have children, which Im ok with.
I dont want to live in another persons home. If i was wroking or being productive i would be able to afford live on my own, you know like an adult.
I dont want to disrupt other peoples lives. with my clonus or whatever the hell it is going on.
I have no calendar, no clock. ALL days are the same. I stare at walls. with the exception of a total of 1-2hrs a month i leave the house to get groceries.
The man i dat works 21/30 days a month 14hrs each day. So he breaks the monotony a bit on his 7 off, when hes not glued to pixel world. He is a nice guy, there is a better match out there for him.
I have no reason to wake & yet find NO peace in sleep.
Maybe there were things i could have done differently, but my choices brought me here & there is no way to go back where I fit ABSOLUTELY nowhere. Im not someone with a disease, that society understands. Outside of my sometimes ataxic gait, I have no outward missing limb or scars on my head wear i was injured.
Im a normal looking person, trapped in a broken brain & a body that doesnt always cooperate on cue, & now i can add myself to the statistic of "depressed americains" To thos ewho think female soldiers with no kids & no abusive husband battering them have resources for living.. dont fool yourself.
& in order to qualify for some programs I must prove myself homeless with no adress, yet i need an address to continue recieving benifit payments.
then try to go homeless shelter yet they (as they should!) expect me to sleep there, but prductively seek employment in the days... lol i can twork & soem days im relapsed & week legs i cant get out of bed... so gambling on that ooption will land me n the streets with my lil cane stumbling around with my whole suitcase of worldy possesion as people mistaken my "bambi on ice moments" for a drunken nobody & throw pennies at my head for laughs.
yes quite wordy for a goodbye, but i know there are som eother soldiers out there that will find themselves very similiar situation. Maybe you who reads this have knowledge & time to invest voluntarily to create programs before more wind up facing the choice i am at. Then again maybe you print this & use for taoilette papier. hell maybe you stopped reading 5 walls of txt ago. Either way best wishes peace of mind & happiness to all. & if my organs make their way to someone even a science lab, i hope they were interesting & you learned something with them, for them or about them that makes your LIFE a lil bit happier | |
However, even though I am NOT at ALL religious or have faith of any kind, I keep thinking that I have no idea what comes next.
What if when we go from this world, we just take the problems with us or, what's even worse, make it all even more dreadful?
I can't prove that there is "hell", but it's scary that I can't prove there isn't one either =(
Please, think about it.
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