For starters I'm 23, live at home, no job, no money, no phone, no women, an alcoholic for a father, a mother that's too clingy, and my parents argue all the time.
I have no one to talk to because all my friends see me as the strong one. If I tell anyone how I feel I will just be made fun of. I can't share it. I have tried but people just tell me to man up and stop being a pussy.
I have anger and aggression and it just seems to get worse by the day. I can literally flip out over nothing. I have an associate degree in criminal justice but there are no police departments hiring. Atop of that I wouldn't even be able to pass the physical part because as of late I think there is something wrong with me physically. Anytime I go to the gym and do my routine all the sudden I feel sick like I'm going to pass out or puke. This has just recently started happening and has gotten to the point where I don't even want to work out.
I have no money to have it checked out and nor do my parents. I'm so discouraged about even finding work because I have tried and tried again with just being turned down.
I lost the love of my life 2 years ago to which I really don't even know why. Never was given any closure. Have been alone ever since. Of course who would want a failure right? I try to express myself creatively through writing and singing or playing guitar BUT I suck at all of it and just brings me to the point of anger where I want to destroy stuff.
I feel as though I have no release. I used to be able to just work out but now like I said I have problems with that.
I have seborrheic dermatitis which wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't on my penis. So it makes it look like I have an std. As if I don't already have enough problems. I tried seeing someone about taking care of it which didn't work.
Even before that I had constant failures in bed except for the love of my life. It started off as one bad time because I was really nervous and snowballed into mental ed. So I have no confidence around women.
I'm trying to figure out what to go back to school for but I have no motivation. Nothing peaks my interest. I actually thinking I am in a deep depression but my parents would think I was crazy if I told them.
Inside I'm fucking crying all the time. I had to quit drinking because I was started to become my dad. So I can't even go out and drink with my friends anymore. I constantly see my friend who from last year couldnt get a girl to save his life all the sudden a ladies man.
I feel as though I have no direction or purpose in my life. I look at my cousin who has got the life I wish I had. Him and his father are really close, just thinking about it right now is making me tear up. Him and his dad run their own mechanic shop together. My cousin can afford whatever he wants and always go places. Me HA like I said I have no money, my family is nowhere near being close nor have we ever been. I used to run the streets when I was 13 just because I hated being home.
I'm tired of constantly feeling overshadowed and stuck in this room. I would never ever commit suicide because of my religion and my believings in God but there have been points where it was almost like I wouldn't mind the idea of something happening to me.
Nothing in my life has ever gone the way I wanted it to. I thought for sure when I was younger I was going to play football atleast in college. But having to xfer highschools crushed my dreams of playing football. I never figured out what I wanted to do in this life so I stayed at home and when to a community college. I haven't experienced anything of a person in their 20s.
I feel like my life is a waste. I moved out to a nicer area coming from a ghetto so going to school with them and seeing what they had cause mommy and daddy could get it for them and the wonderful family lives they had pissed me off. Thank God I don't have to go to school anymore because I never did have many friends. There were points where I sat alone in lunch rooms.
The really messed up thing is if you looked at me you would never know. I'm not a bad looking kid. I'm in decent shape, and I seem upbeat when I'm out. But I just have constant emotions running through me and it brings me down.
I still don't have many friends. I feel alone, unloved, and useless. Which I am two of the three. I am useless and I am alone. My parent's love me though but it's not a close love just a love that you know they love you cause you're bonded through blood.
My mom has tried to be close to be but I always push her away and it hurts me but I just get enraged around her. I think it has to do with the constant fighting and neglection I had from my dad. Especially when I was younger. Watching my dad abuse my mom and what not.
But my dad was adopted his parents didnt want him so I don't hate him. I understand he has demons of his own. But I am trying to stay on a good path but it's getting increasingly difficult. It's like what's the point?
Sigh well that's my story. I know no one will read it cause it's insanely long BUT it has made me feel a tad bit better because this has been bottled up :( | |
I think I have similar issues to you with the bad emotions, and at times it's awful, but I think in the end, I'd choose to keep my level of awareness/thoughtfulness and I think you would too. It's a double-edged sword with a terribly sharp blade, but I think that when things are going well (and they will, even if not nearly all the time), people like us appreciate life from all the angles that much more.
Also, it probably doesn't help to point this out, but I think other people know when they're talking to an actual, genuinely good/nice person, and that's what I can tell you are. If you can try and stop placing expectations on yourself (the writing, the sex, certain goals in your life), I think you'll paradoxically reach greater heights than you have ever before, and people will want to help you get there. I won't use the cliche that those who don't help you are bad and should be ignored, but I do believe that there are people who are wise/mature/outwardly-oriented, and those who aren't. People who have any sense of judging others would be able to tell that you're a valuable person.
It's likely that you'll read all this and shake your head the whole time, and that's what I would do, and have done, too. But I'd ask that you at least agree with what I said above; that having the ability to think, and feel, more strongly, may cause extreme pain, but it's an ability that many people never have. Ignorance isn't bliss, and I think that once you figure out who you truly are and what you really want from your life, you'll be able to enjoy everything in a way that others can't.
Pretend I wrote a post similar to the one you shared above: would you tell me I was useless? Of course not -- from your 3rd person perspective, you'd be able to discern that I just maybe got unlucky in my upbringing, that I didn't fit into the crowd as easily as others. Some will do it, and some won't, even just based on probability. And now that you're at or near rock bottom, and you're still alive, and you're intelligent and you understand everything that's at stake, I think you know that none of this is your fault, and that if someone like me cares enough and witnesses enough value in you to write back, you've got to be a little hard on yourself.
And a final note, most people think that parental relationships are supposed to be the closest, most natural ones; but I've found in many cases with myself and friends that they're actually the most difficult and sensitive out of any relationship you'll have in your life. There's no reason your parents should be able to understand you perfectly, and it's neither your nor their fault if they don't. Just understand they had a completely different life experience, and feel sorry for them if they can't put themselves on your level like you try to do for them.
People like you who and I are more thoughtful, and unique, may find it slightly harder to initiate relationships with girls (because we're less conventional, even if we have a normal outward appearance), but I strongly feel that in the end, the fact that when you find the perfect person, the match is that much better. I won't comment on your relationship, but I'd have to say that this person may not have appreciated all the things that make you different from the rest.
I think if you come to terms with who you are and realize that you've actually got a talent that others have, rather than a cursed life, you might find something there. And if you are looking for a new hobby, check out a book named Demian. It's extremely short/cheap but it may just change your life.
(if you could call it summing up! Haha!) No seriously, though, he hit the nails on the head. But consider this: If your feeling low or whatever, know that, i am in exactly the same boat as you and exactly the same age. The only major difference between my story and yours is you have had a meaningful relationship with a woman, i on the other hand, never have. You feel low now, but they say its better to have loved and lost, then too never have loved at all. I guess thats true,how would anyone know though right? They have to have been one or the other.
Kinda funny really. Anyway, i did read your entire post and i would say that finding a decent job (i know its hard at the moment im in same boat as i said) would be a great start for you, and keep training hard! I figure you may as well if youve got that going for you. Of course, if you keep getting sick, thats a different matter alltogether.
I wish you well with your future endeavours.
DON'T EVER RUN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH TO YOUR MOTHER AGAIN......FUCK YOUR LITTLE SISSY ASS ANGER ISSUES BOY, YOU TREAT YOUR MOTHER LIKE A QUEEN ALL OF THE DAYS SHE IS ON THIS EARTH.....she is the one who will walk through fire for you, and by the way your story reads, she gets bullshit from both you and your dad.....what kind of position do you think that puts her in, what kind of weight do you put on her shoulders when you let loose your little hissy fits in her face, how tough is it for her to lay her head down and sleep at night after she gets the ugly eye from your dad and then her own baby......you're a fucking moron if you ever say another angry word towards your mom.....don't ever let her see you angry, because from this point on you will be ashamed to raise your voice around her.....if you can't do this then i say you deserve much worse that a skin rash.
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