ok i don't know if my life sucks but i think it does. i am 17 and i am in fostercare. independently i have someone look after me sometimes. a man, and i am a girl, he is mean, he hits me, hurts me, uses me, i am a slave to his every desire. i am nothing. my dad is a pedophile, and sick in the head and he reaks of insanity. my mothers first priority is heroine, then sex, then money. a never ending cycle. she has walls built so high and strong closing n on her and it blocks me from loving her, he doesnt love me, she hates me and she makes it noticed, by everyone. i have a hard time at school. i get beat up alot, i stutter, i get called mean names. i dont defend myself because i refuse to go as low as the people that hurt me. i beleive i am nothing and that i am a worthless peice of garbage. my influences around me are bad and i have only one rolemodel in a different country. my dad hates me, he wants me to die. i blanked out a total year in my life and i dont know why, i just cant remember it. its like i woke up one day and it was a year later (long sleep maybe). i live in my own house but that doesnt stop my humiliation and constant lack of affection, i give myself away because its what i do to make people like me. i cry alot it makes me look weak. im dying inside, sometimes i just want to leave the world, forever, its like i dont belong, like im alienated from everyone because im so diffrent. but i do have one good friend so aybe im not so alone. but he is half way accross the world, im just scared he will leave too if i get to be too much of a burden. ive learned that people always leave because of me. i ruin peoples lives when i dont speak, i make everyone miserable when i cry, and i just want someone to care about me and i want confirmation that they wont leave. where do u find that? in yourself? in jesus. i cant depend on myself because i cant protect myself. i cant depend on Jesus because he lets my hurt continue. i trust one person in my life right now. half way across the world i know someone cares and i guess thats all i need for security. | |
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