I can't take the pain, the loneliness.
My whole life I've been the good girl. Whenever I did anything, I made sure it wouldn't hurt anyone. I tried to be fair, reasonable and honest.
Here I am at 26, married to someone who treats me like shit, and all I ever hear is how women are only dating guys for money. I don't get it. I was very pretty (not so much now with that constant scowl on my face, and even if - nobody notices me ever.) and I never knew that women dated men for money. I thought that only happened in Hollywood. I also thought only some men use women just for sex. Now I find out it's all of them, and men aren't monogamous and so on... maybe I deserve it for being so fucking naive. What's the point? I could leave my husband but for what? For some other man to cheat on me? Or to be single forever? I don't care what they say about how amazing single life is. Fuck 'em. Being single is the worst.
I have no friends, even though I used to have tons of them, so It's not that I am weird or introverted or whatever people think makes you lonely.
It's just how it is.
I want to die. I want things to change. I've tried everything at making friends, I swear, everything. I've tried being nice, I've tried being myself, I've been genuinely interested in what people had to say. I've even tried not caring about making friends anymore. Nothing works. I am so lonely, I can't describe the loneliness. I've tried going to a headshrinker. But how is talking about it going to change it? And of course - it didn't.
So I just live in a fantasy world. I do my college stuff and I try to get excited, but the only time I feel happy is in my fantasies.
People don't cheat on you or break your heart or leave you or just spend time with you when your happy - in my head. In real life, they do.
I think of all the things I have to offer and I don't understand it. What do people want? What do men want?
I think of getting older and I want to die. How did I deserve this?
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Also be grateful you have anyone at all. I believe you said being single is the worst; well, that means your probably doing better than a hell of a lot of people on this site, myself included. As for your other problems, i suggest embracing your creative side. Sometimes it can be better that way, despite what others might say. You also seem very fixated on your own problems. You mention your not introvert, so it should be easier for you to get out amongst it. Do charity work or something, then you might at least meet some genuine people.
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