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Simply lovely.

Posted by Brandy at April 3, 2010
Tags: 2010 April  General

My mother was 16 when she had me. Put me into foster care.

The people who raised me, my parents if you will, have always been kind if not too overly-religious, and I did nothing but resent them growing up.

I'm a pathological white-liar.

One of my best, childhood friends co-signed for me on a loan to get a motorcycle. I got hit by an illegal immigrant without a license, registered car or (worst of all) insurance -- they didn't even speak English. Same week, I got evicted and my dog (who saved my life -- will tell later) who I had for four years ran away. The bike was fucked up and I ended up missing payments on it so it was repo'd and my best friend got pissed at me.

When I was 20 I tried to commit suicide and ended up comatose for 13 days and hospitalized for a whole month. After this I had to go to a psychiatric ward for another month and had to go to court to get out. I was court-ordered to be on prescription pills to balance my "moods." BTW, my dog saved my life right here. I fucking loved that dog more than anything. Also, because of what I did to myself, I lost a good portion of my memory and forgot a lot of my childhood. To this day, things still slowly come back to me.

My girlfriend of five years becomes addicted to coke, becomes anorexic and we break up and she sleeps with most of my friends. Most of my friends, anyways, are smug, condescending fucks who all badmouth me when I'm not around, or act like hard asses when we're in the company of others so you never know who they really are.

My older sister, bless her heart, had a child with a man who married her, cheated on her, had two other kids with two other women -- and now she's remarried to a guy who doesn't work and sometimes drinks and fights with her (when he doesn't, he's a really nice guy and granted, we all have our vices). I feel bad for her. Oh, and they had another kid. Oh, and they're poor and I'm poor and currently I live in their basement.

I ended up living with a drug addict control-freak and a lazy, alcoholic pothead. I got a DUI for marijuana and got sentenced to 16 days in jail. I lost my job due to this and got my license taken away. After a year of probation (which cost $3,500) and multiple court hearings, I got my license back. The week of, I also paid off my car, that I'd been paying on since I was 18. I got rear-ended by a drunk driver and it was totaled. I was an idiot and didn't sue him (I did collect on the car -- I bought another one promptly and it ended up suffering severe engine damage a few months later and I sold it for parts for $800).

I sold everything I owned and moved to San Francisco. Here, I got financially fucked by my room mate and I couldn't exactly leave, I'd be homeless (again, like when I was kicked out and had to sleep underneath baseball field bleachers for two months before my friend's mom put me up -- bless her heart). Before I moved, see, she told me rent was $300 a month. When I get there, she demands $750 a month -- and this was after I sold everything, took a train and left everything I knew to come out there and basically fuck myself. So I worked under the table for a lying asshole who robbed me on my paychecks and said "Prove it" when I told him I know I worked more than that. While I was living here in San Francisco, our house got robbed. The only things of value that I owned (my iPod, two cameras, my computer, my bicycle and a box containing old photos of my dog, my friends, my birth parents, my childhood, etc -- this box contained the only fragments of my past self that I had).

I was standing in the back yard, smoking a cigarette, when I felt really sick to my stomach. Next thing I know, I wake up in bed and my front teeth are smashed out. I guess I passed out, hit my head and had a seizure. Everyone thought I was drunk. I gave myself a really bad concussion and to this day things seem "off." Also, this is about the 30th time I've passed out from nothing since I turned 18. I don't remember if it ever happened before that.

I moved from San Francisco to Oakland and lived with a girl. We helped each other out and I worked for a non-profit grassroots organization and it paid the bills. The girl and I seemed really good together and slowly I got back on my feet financially. Meanwhile, I am being sued by three different companies for credit cards I charged off when I was barely 18, and a college that I dropped out of. My childhood friend paid off my motorcycle that didn't really get repo'd, it just got stolen -- so it fucked his credit up. I still owe him $2,000 and to this day he won't talk to me. Anyways, back to Oakland. Her brother moves in with us and I am living off the lease. He moves out and one day when I come home from work, so has she. With everything I owned. The landlord can't find her, is upset I was living there, and I file a police report but nothing can be done. I hope she is enjoying the $800 she took from me and all my belongings.

So there I was in Oakland again, penniless, homeless, friendless, jobless, lost -- I hitch hiked to Fresno, where I laid sod for five hours to get $70 and bought an Amtrak ticket back home.

Here I am now. The worst part is -- I'm still penniless, friendless and lost -- on the verge of homelessness and I just found a low-paying labor job. I commute by bus 4 hours a day and wake up at 4:30 AM every day. I really have no talents, no hobbies, and the only thing that interests me is soccer but I feel I'm past it to really enjoy it or catch up. I'm also battling alcoholism and trying to quit smoking, which is coming along very slowly.

Basically, life sucks. Don't believe me? It does. Life sucks for everyone. I can't wait to die, but I think now I'd rather just keep working, keeping my mind off things, and hopefully maybe I'll just be in a horrible car accident one day and my family can cash in on my life insurance -- granted of course that my life at that point sucks a little less so I might be fortunate enough to have insurance of some sort so my family can win back the money they spent on having to put up with me for so long.

The worst part is, I hate myself. I'm the stupidest piece of shit alive. All of my problems are my own fault, and I hate myself for fucking up this bad. Sure, I could have had better luck a lot of the time, but it just means I'd never had to have learned anything the hard way. I hate life so badly because no matter what I am doing (usually on my long walks to and from work and the bus stops), I am thinking about how badly I wish I could start over and set things right, even if just a little bit. And I can't. And since I can't, well, life fucking sucks. It could be worse, and if it was, I'd surely kill myself because... life sucks.


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New Comment

By anonymous at 04,Apr,10 16:01

Join a church, maybe the Mormon church. Why Mormon's? Because they are very honest. Also, Mormons forbid tobacco, alcohol and other things that YOU do in excess. You really need a new start in life as you have no "moral compass".
By anonymous at 04,Apr,10 17:47

I posted the above story.

And to the person talking about Mormons, all I have to tell you is GET FUCKED. I grew up in Utah, jack ass. I was adopted into a Mormon family and joining a religion based off of western consumerism, mass-hysteria and flat out LIES would do nothing to help me. Take your moral compass and stuff it up your ass you phony.
By anonymous at 04,Apr,10 19:53

OK. Maybe the best thing for you to do then is to slowly poison yourself with alcohol, nicotine, marijuana, keep lying, act like such a fool that even your dog leaves you, date drug addicted whores and wallow in self pity.
By anonymous at 04,Apr,10 22:04

wow that was a very christian thing to say. kudos to the fuckhead christian

christians so funny, preach but can never truely act liek christians

By anonymous at 04,Apr,10 22:55

Most practicing Christians that I know do not use profanity, do not randomly insult people and can spell much better than you can. Their grammar is also superior to yours. Not all Christians are perfect, but they are forgiven their sins when they have properly atoned. Also, Christians do not promote drug addiction, alcoholism, lying, being so annoying that their dog runs away (dogs are loyal and known as man's best friend), and do not associate with drug addicted whores. By the way, what religion do you belong to?
By anonymous at 05,Apr,10 00:19

Regardless of religion, anyone who is acting holier-than-thou towards someone due to the way they spell (perhaps English is not his/her first language) is a presumptuous snob. Grammar correction is the last refuge of the pseudo-intellectual.

Now let's talk about religion: How can someone clam to be Christian yet try and point out other people's flaws and say that it's because they're not as good as Christians? So being vain and self-glorifying is better? I don't think anyone would want to be a Christian if they had to associate with fuckwits like you.

And it doesn't matter what religion I or anyone else belongs to because it's irrelevant and anyone who has any wits about them and has experienced anything in life will agree with that.

PS. You're not a very good Christian. Using terms like "drug-addicted whores" is in just plain... bad taste. By the way, you should give up. We can all see the original poster hurt your feelings pretty badly by calling you out on for being such a jackass, but this isn't the place to try and get into arguments, especially not over your feeble religious views (or rather, your religious accusations).

And I don't see anywhere in anything here where anyone has promoted drug addiction, alcoholism or lying. You're just pulling shit out of your ass to validate why your own life is so fucking miserable that you had to turn to a made up religion and try to cram it down everyone else's throats. And you've obviously never had a dog.

PPS. You just randomly insulted people. Looks like you're not a very good practicing Christian.

Check and mate motherfucker.
By anonymous at 05,Apr,10 04:36

Try to read the post. RE: "My girlfriend of five years becomes addicted to coke, becomes anorexic and we break up and she sleeps with most of my friends." His girlfriend is a drug addict and she has sexual relationships with his friends. What do you call that? I suggested Mormons because they take care of each other and are one of the religious group least likely to have drug and alcoholism issues. Psychologists are not an option because he is in denial that he made his own problems. At least I do not call people motherf*****r.
By Brandy at 05,Apr,10 14:30

Original poster here...

Wow. Okay.

Maybe you should read the post? Because, I clearly wrote in there, "All of my problems are my own fault."

How do you like them apples?

And I don't know if you know anything about Mormonism or Utahans, but there's a huge prescription pill and methamphetamine epidemic here, mostly amongst younger Mormon generations and Mormon housewives. Look it up, it's interesting. They also made a movie about it called "Happy Valley."

This being said, most of the things you've tried to argue here have backfired on you, as myself and others have pointed out. Perhaps you should do the wise and morally correct thing and stop giving advice on matters you know nothing about. You, yourself, actually seem more emotionally unfit than I probably am.

Let me ask you something, does your logic often fail? Is your advice always this bad?

I'd rather have all of my problems and my bad luck than be as ignorant and narcissistic as you... LOL.
By anonymous at 05,Apr,10 19:42

OK, I made a few suggestions and they all backfired. May I make one more suggestion? Try studying Buddhism. Some Buddhists that I have met are among the most mellow and spiritually healthy people that I have ever met.

One the other hand, I usually use the three opinion rule. If I need advice, I seek advice from at least three different people, with three different opinions, before making a decision on which way to go on a problem.

Your first reply to me was "GET FUCKED. I grew up in Utah, jack ass." That was not a very friendly reply. Maybe if you tone your hostility down a bit, towards people who were trying to offer a helpful suggestion, maybe that would be a step in a more positive direction for you.

By anonymous at 04,Apr,10 17:47

whell, there is a way but you have to believe in it. You could reset yourself(inside your mind) it worked for me somehow.Erase your identity, forget the past, forget the things you could have done right, forget your past goals,START AGAIN. You think you would be better of dead, but i think you can change that, it's never late. You know what they say WHAT DOESN'T KILL A MAN, IT MAKES HIM STRONGER!!!

By jessa lynn at 05,Apr,10 01:27

I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I think you have to take care of your health first. The drinking can cause neurological deficits and can eventually kill you. You deserve to be here and I can tell you are really trying to right the wrongs in your life. Just because you have had bad experiences and issues with addiction and depression does not mean you do not deserve to be here. Please don't hurt yourself trust me my life blows my post is a few stories down but I won't give up. I think about becoming a christian sometimes just because the lifestyle promotes compassion and care, and holds me accountable. Maybe it can make us happy, who knows?

By anonymous at 05,Apr,10 02:22

I'm so sorry.

By anonymous at 05,Apr,10 18:12

I'm sorry that you have made such horrid decisions in your life. YOU must change what YOU do. Good luck, you're going to need it.

By anonymous at 06,Apr,10 00:12

:) keep your head up high and do something. Anything, something worth while that will make you happy, what do you have to loose. The best things in life are free, keep that in mind.

By anonymous at 06,Apr,10 01:52

um...hi...umm..Do your best to hold in...i guess. oh and also FIND A really nice girl, who's nice. i suck at this.....sorry.

YOU CAN DO IT!!!! lol

By anonymous at 09,May,10 16:10

i hope something happens that helps you. im glad that you are still working and trying, it seems you do not have the best of luck in life at all.

if anybody else had been through wt u've been through, then they would have killed themselves or given up.

im so sorry you've been through this

By anonymous at 02,Oct,10 18:46

You are the strongest person I know. Despite all that bad luck, you're still moving forward with your life. Everyone should be proud of your example. I hope things work out for you in the end...

By Adobe OEM Software at 08,Mar,12 21:06

hPgCGs I value the article post. Much obliged.

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