LIFE SUCKS

generally a very unplesant ride...

i am a child of a very ugly divorce. my mum thought she had found the right guy as they both practiced the same buddhism and wanted to have a "fortune baby" as they called it in the Nichiren Buddhism they practiced. my father was a cocky self absorbed asshole with no education and very low paying jobs. we lived in a danky one bedroom apartment in Los Angeles and they constantly were fighting. He would come home drunk most nights and i was so pure beautiful and innocent i loved my life and had no idea of this major dysfunction that was going on around me. They eventually got divorced, and me and my mum stayed in the danky apartment. As I started to get older my mother constantly layed her frusterations and anger on me about my father. my mom had lost her job and then found one and then lost it and then found one and then lost it. By this time my father was given visitation rights and in the very beginning i was permitted to have sleepover visits with him. during the sleepover visits while i was 5 going on 6 he would play very disturbing games with me, as i thought they were games being so young and naieve. hed wrap me up in the polyester blanket he had and would suffocate me until i screamed and cried. this went on for years. as i had no idea that it was very very wrong. later in life i remembered and its really brought me down. They have a title for it and its called "rebirth sessions" many children have died from this form of torture and it is a very very Old fashioned way to punish a bad child. Though i was not bad. I was beautiful pure i had beautiful red hair and i was very very pale, iwas a beautiful vibrant little girl who was hanging around a severely mentally ill man. As the time would come for his visits i cried. my mum knew something wasnt right and the sleepover visits had come to a hault. Years went on and I became very popular in high school having lots of friends and boys wanted to be around me and i was a very talented artist in a Arts High school in downtown la. I started getting heavily into drugs and would use as an escape from my sunday one hour visit w/ my disgusting father who had no money and would often bring his trashy girlfriends along. It was very hard for me. He was very cold to me and would constantly lie to my face. I would cry and cut. I then began getting into heroin with led to hanging around the grossest kids in la. gross LA junky kids. And i would shoot up with them. I felt very entitled to use heroin as my life had been one big wreck.my mum had no idea of my heroin usage for three years as i was just smoking it in the beginning and not really delving into it as i did when i got to be 19. my mum is a very paranoid woman who lays every single problem onto me and asks me what she should do in her life so she can lay the problem on me if it wasnt the right choice this is the constant struggle of my life. i am 20 now living with my grandmother and mother because my mom couldnt afford the apartment we livd in hollywoood and so now im in a town that is very very disturbed and poverty ridden. maybe youve heard of it its called long beach california. my grandmother is delusional and makes 40,00 a year which holding me and my mum together i cannot find a job which is very very sad for me because im 6'0 very very thin i have really beautiful long red hair and have been asked why i am not with a modeling agency. i constantly think about how badly i want a father and i cry and wish I can find a cool dude thats accepting of my dysfunctional life to make this better. i have had 5 relationship with horrible dudes b4 in la which is the worse place and if you find a dude thats good for it hes prolly not and its most likely a fucking illusion im very bitter and have developed severe depression that ive considered getting ECT for. I spend my days looking for jobs that are so degrading in every which way and yet i still cook gourmet dinner for my grandmother and mum who have done absolutely nothing for me. oh yeah did i mention that i got kicked out of high school in 10th grade and dropped out fully. now im 20 and im in adult school amongst 9th graders that shared the adult school with a high school they make fun of me and most likely i will commit suicide soon. I was thinking on my 21st birthday. I saw enough of my destiny and didnt like it. I hope that i will be reincarnated into a unicorn.