For a while now i have been feeling like i just want to give up on life. When i look at my life i really see no reason to be depressed but for some reason i am... I just hate my life and the way it is going. I'm 19 years old, i have a loving family, i have never had to worry about going hungry or not having a roof over my head. I still live with my parents and right now only work a couple hours a week teaching fitness classes. I really like my job but the rest of my life to me feels miserable. My parents are constantly hounding me to get another full time job with benefits and stuff, but i dont want to for a lot of reasons. I pretend that i am looking for one and just cant get one, but to be honest i could get one really easily if i wanted to. I spent most of my time in my room at my computer playing video games or just sitting by myself. I dont really like being social, infact i consider myself pretty antisocial, I just dont like being around lots of people and i cant stand smalltalk.
I hate myself for being so lazy, I could get a job if i wanted to but i just dont want to. At the same time i hate being bothered by my parents about getting a job. It's like i am refusing to make a decision for myself and just continue to be in a limbo state in my life. I think if i kept myself more busy (like working or making friends) i wouldn't be as depressed, but its almost like i dont want to feel better. I just want to wallow in my self-hatred. I've tried to kill myself before when i was 15, and i was on anti depressants for a while, but they didnt do anything so i stopped taking them after a couple months. I do think i might suffer from some sort or depression or bipolar type disorder though, but its not severe. I just dont really know what to do and dont want to put the effort in to figuring out what to do with my life.
I believe in God and pray almost every day. I have asked him to lead me along the path he wants me to take and i really believe he has blessed me with so many things. I am in perfect health and great shape, I'm smart, and pretty talented, i dont have to try hard in a lot of areas where others would struggle. Like i said before theres really nothing for me to be depressed about but i have for some reason, become so apathetic about my life. I want to die, but i wont kill myself for a lot of reasons, mainly because i want to go to heaven, and i feel like God still has plans for me. I just wish my brain would change and make it so i was more motivated to work, build relationships, learn, etc. But again thats me being lazy i think, just wishing but not willing to work at it to change myself or make a difference. Everything would be so much easier if i could just die. I am also really lonely, but I feel like i have been out of the dating/relationship game for so long i think i would just embarrass myslef. I have really low self esteem when it comes to girls. I had two girlfriends in high school both of which cheated on me and manipulated me. One encouraged me, and eventually got me addicted to cutting myself, and another got me into drugs. Both put changed me into somebody i am now ashamed of being. I was such a submissive pussy to allow them to manipulate me so easily, and i wish i could go back in time and reject them when they showed an interest in me.
All my life i have been blessed and gifted in so many ways, and i have squandered everything by pitying, hating, and abusing myself. I know i shouldn't but i really hate my life. | |
New Comment