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It never gets better,

Posted by Mercere at December 30, 2011
Tags: Attitude  2011 December  Job

I'm 25, still in university. I have to pay my way (don't want student loans) and so work and go to school. As a result, I can only take the minimum necessary to keep the balance on the loans from my first time around at university in interest free status. My depression and anxiety has been spiralling slowly out of control since I was 21 or so. I started quitting jobs because I was afraid I'd kill myself if I didn't.

But I've found a job in my career that I love, I've had it for a year and a few months, (previously the longest I'd had was 5 months). But my boss is a drug addict (he says he's clean as of now (as opposed to six months ago when he was NOT) but I don't believe him anymore), he marauds around fucking with the business I'm running for him. I can't run it very well because he won't let me.As a result I'm constantly on the hook with people about his behaviour and if they aren't getting irritated at me, I'm failing them. I'm FAILING THEM and I don't have to.

But the prospect of another job is out of the question. Nothing I'm qualified to do is going to pay me enough, or give me an environment that isn't toxic to me. Provided I can even find another job if I let this one go. My tuition rides on this job.

I get good grades, but I don't feel like I deserve them, I barely do the work in school compared to some of my classmates, I'm just smart and manage to understand the material. I was surprised and a little horrified to walk out of this semester with an A+ and two A-s. I always am.

Everyone wants my time, and there's nothing left for me, only that isn't how it is. That's just how it feels. I waste magnitudes of time, I procrastinate, doing shit like this. I'm supposed to be writing an article. I watch all the muppet movies in a row.

Every portion of my life is filled with stress. I can't have a conversation with people without feeling like I'm going to throw up because they're going to take offense to me, judge me or hate me. The wider amount of evidence states that most people in my life love me, but I can't get close to them.

I don't want to die, but I don't feel like I can live effectively anymore.

I don't want to die, but I don't feel like I can live anymore.


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