I was previously in a mentally and sexually abusive relationship as a teenager, however I truly loved him and so was prepared to cope. I started to cut myself because of him but I was strong and fought through. Then he broke my heart, my life fell apart. I didn't eat for about 3months,literally lived on one round of toast a day. But I eventually began to build my life up again. But I never felt good about myself, because of the abusive I thought I was only good for sex so I let people use me. I was wary of getting emotionally close to someone, and always kept people at arms length.
So I started dating a guy, who had just split from his long term girlfriend who he was ready to propose to. Of course he's on the rebound, even slips up and calls me her name few times, and his parents have just divorced and as with everyone else, only wants sex, so i keep him at a distance and i talk about when we break up rather than if. But we 'date' anyway and after a month I fall pregnant. He tries to do the 'right' thing and we move in together. I begin to trust him, even love, we have a baby then decide to buy a house together rather than rent. With the stress from everything, and my previous mental abuse I end up suffering quite badly with post natal depression, I envisaged dropping or throwing my baby down the stairs, so I was terrified to go near the stairs. Of course I would never have done anything to harm my baby, my head was just messed up. I get anti-depressants and start to sort my head out. I reach a healthier place with the pills that they say I can come off them.
Everything goes good for a while, my child is healthy and growing up. I'm so proud that I don't have time to feel down any more. But few years have passed and after trusting and falling in live with this guy, he's biginning to destroy me. We barely even talk, most nights we don't sleep in the same bed. But I still love him and want to be with him, just need a magic wand to make things better or a reason to fight. But he doesn't have any interest, he doesn't show any affection toward me, in fact i'm not sure if he even feels anything for me, not even hatred.
We were happy and all I wanted was to be his wife but now I'm stuck. I don't want my child to grow up with separated parents. I have contemplated just running away or killing myself in order to avoid that. I cry myself to sleep every night, praying to God, begging him to take my life. Because of these thoughts and my extreme fear of stairs has returned, I believe my depression has come back, I think the only thing that would make me happy would be for my boyfriend to pamper me and tell me he loves me and propose, but that's not likely to happen.
I just don't see a way forward. | |
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