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Posted by Caleb at January 1, 2012
Tags: 2012 January  Loneliness  Sexuality

I also struggle with the feeling of loneliness, and find it to be worse in the winter. I live in a small city in wisconsin and find it very hard to be myself here. I am gay and still in high school. I am the only one "out" at my school and am tormented daily. My father and I never had a good relationship growing up and as for my mother, she sat and watched me as I was raped by two of my babysitters since I was age 4. I turned to drinking and smoking and had alcohol poisoning in 9th grade. I focus all my attention on looking "good" that I realize now how messed up it has made me. Being gay, and living in a small town has only created more and more problems. I started sleeping around with guys as old as twice my age (34) and now more than ever I feel alone. I was dating a boy and it first I was happy but after a month of dating I dumped him. I know that another person cannot make me love myself but what can ? I have been on a few different meds and I am really trying to become natural as it is my new year's resolution because I am addicted to tanning and on a larger scale, just my looks in general... I hear I look good but it's never good enough for me. Can anyone relate to this feeling? So I try and hang out with friends but all of my girlfriends have boyfriends, so I become very jealous. and all the guys just want to fool around. I have debated suicide but the one thing that keeps me alive is the fact that when I turn 18 I am going to cosmetology school and want to become very famous for my skill with hair. I pray these feelings change.- Caleb Y.

Votes:

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Comments:
By anonymous at 30,Jan,12 09:34

Move to California, and don't get HIV.


By anonymous at 30,Jan,12 17:07

I hope that you are using protection, and think about going celibate I think it works wonders for both gay and straight people, why? Because you don't want to die a slow and painful death carrying some social disease, it would be a scar that you would have to live with the rest of your life. High School is temporary and before you know it you won't even remember it anymore. Keep yourself occupied, seriously volunteer and help people in whatever way you can or extend your talents but don't dwell with your suffering it doesn't help to wallow in it. I'm so sorry about your childhood though and I can't say that I understand your feelings or your pain about it, no one could possibly understand but I can assure you that you can live a happier life in the future and that you will eventually overcome all this pain and sadness you are feeling. It could get better or it could get worse but promise yourself each day that you will give yourself the respect that you deserve that all that matters, and that now you have the control to change it. I hope that it does get better. Best of Luck Caleb and I hope to hear of your story in the future how you became a world renowned cosmetologist.


By anonymous at 30,Jan,12 17:24

Ur story is fake
By anonymous at 30,Jan,12 19:48

You think these things don't happen? Well they do, go to Africa and you'll meet some kids who were raped at age 4, have no families, and are starving to death.
By anonymous at 30,Jan,12 21:39

africa is not in Wisconsin last I checked.. I know its just as messed up there, but its also a way different culture
By anonymous at 06,Feb,12 06:16

Africa is messed up these days. Some countries are planning to legalize prostitution that will make the sages roll in their graves. This is not the Africa that was twenty years ago. They are mixture of tradition, Islam and western culture having all kinds of bizarre things. You'd better visit and see for yourself- Mombasa, Malindi, Darees Salaam and others.


By anonymous at 30,Jan,12 19:54

Avoid things like alcohol, smoking, and drugs, they're poisons and they defiantly won't do any favors to your looks. Try to get a better relationship with your father, it's really helpful to have a good relationship with your parents. Move to a place where sexual orientation isn't as much of a big deal, and be open to any relationships, you may be gay, but you never know if you'll find a girl who will make you happy!


By at 30,Jan,12 20:05

sounds like you were traumatized at an early age. Have you considered hypnosis or counseling? I have had to do all of those things. It has helped.. but I have to keep doing it or I slip into a depression. Self hypnosis works great and it's free. I had a bad childhood as well. What you mother did was absolutely appalling! I feel very bad for you and what happened :( But I think your past is still affecting you today. You alot to overcome.


By anonymous at 30,Jan,12 20:10

I'm sorry you feel those ways about yourself. Go to a place where you can meet other people. Get out of small town Wisconsin, and go to where people are more educated and accepting of all of us. I know there are good people in places like where you and I both live (Alabama), but they are blinded by religious idealogy and their jealousy, to be frank. Please don't continue sitting there hating yourself. You can have a wonderful life by finding friends.


By anonymous at 01,Feb,12 20:54

Screw what everyone else thinks. Just be yourself and if someone doesn't like that then too bad. Do something that will make you happy, no matter where that road leads because in the end, all that's going to matter is if what you did in your life really did help you out.


By take a look at it! at 25,Oct,13 15:36

HsXPu6 Im thankful for the blog post. Awesome.


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