So I'm 44 yrs old now. I was the "pretty girl" growing up. Very popular in school, excelled at everything from swimming and tennis to playing pool and basketball. Nothing I couldn't do! Always had tons of friends, plenty of guys to choose from etc. My personality drew people to me. Never met a stranger, friend to everyone. I wrote the book on charisma! Held great jobs with major corps. I always has to be "busy" with something, couldn't be still and certainly never had a moment to be lazy or withdrawn. I've been married for twenty years now to a wonderful man and we have two children. I've felt blessed my entire adult life.
In 2008 I began going through menopause. Wasn't that bad really but as the months went on, I developed an essential tremor in my neck. My head began to shake/bobble somewhat. The more I concentrated and tried to make it stop, the worse it got. If I were in a stressful situation, it was really bad. Had a lot going on in my family - death of my Mother, getting stuck overseeing the care and wellbeing of another elderly family member, moving to a new house, losing a job I loved etc - all in the span of 6 mos. One particular weekend, I felt as if I had the flu and I never recovered from it. Long story short, after a gozillion appts with various Docs, I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Totally ruined my life! I lost my memory. Struggled to complete sentences at times, cannot think of simple words. I couldn't sleep. The tremor sometimes makes it appear that I'm shaking my head no so if I'm trying to have a conversation with you, you are likely thinking "what the hell"? Can't control my body temperature; I might be burning up and sweating in 20 degree temps or cold when it's hot and sunny outside. At times my ankles felt as if they would break off of my legs and it would hurt so much to walk I would nearly fall to the floor. Frustrating!! My husband and children did not understand. CFS isn't something you can "see" the effects of but your body and mind feel as if you've been robbed of your life! Little by little it effected every facet of my life. My personality changed. I avoided my friends. I began to withdraw from everything. I became a recluse. I began to gain weight and slowly gained 30 lbs. My once vibrant personality was gone. There was nothing that interested me anymore. I felt as if I aged 20 years within 6 mos. Anything I ever enjoyed or had fun with, I no longer cared about AT ALL. I seldom leave my house. I will think of excuses as to why I can't leave or have my husband run errands for me. I would rather take a beating than leave the confines of my home. I avoid everyone and if I do leave the house and happen to see someone I know, I go the other way or avoid eye contact all together. I'm a shell of myself. I feel old, unattractive and ready to die. I used to travel by myself for business and go to every major bustling city in the usa but now if I go to the grocery alone I feel as if I will have an anxiety attack. I have NO interest in anything anymore. Nothing at all. I don't know what it's like to be happy, excited etc. NOTHING!! I've been on every medication (sleeping pills, anti depressants etc) you can think of but nothing helps. Once the CFS set in, I became uber sensitive to everything so I can barely take an aspirin anymore. I can't even take a hot shower because the water hurts my skin and is painful. My whole body and mind have failed me now. I feel as if I'm 80 yrs old and my life is over. There is no cause of CFS, no blood test and no treatment that will cure you or make it better. I wish I had my life back. I wish I felt like a human again. I wish I looked like I used to. I wish my family understood. I do realize there are far worse things than CFS and while I've always been a grateful person who appreciates what they have, this has been ongoing for more than 3 yrs now and I'm tired. I don't know why I've been stricken with this. I don't know why I hate myself so bad and my own appearance makes me so sickened I can hardly look at myself in the mirror anymore. I long for the days I can enjoy life and other things again. To be happy about something....anything. To get excited and look forward to something. To have a social life again and be a good friend to many. To hold a job again and have conversations with upper management without my head shaking from side to side and making me look like a total fool. To feel anything other than repulsed by myself and that I'm on the verge of death. It's very hard to go from being on top of the world and smack down to the bottom, much less with no warning nor hope of things getting better. I think about suicide a lot, how much better off my family would be without me. Sometimes I pray for death. I want so badly to feel better and live my life again. My husband deserves a wife who can do things and go places, not someone who doesn't want to leave the house. God help me in 2012!! -PLEASE!!- (thanks for reading! & best to all) | |
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