My chance to vent my feelings/thoughts. I so hate myself and the life i've made for myself.
Where did it start going wrong, well things were ok untill I was 24 ( 20yrs ago ), then after stupid drunkeness found myself under a train minus a right arm. Not much good for a brick layer!! But hai theres always silver linings ( need to believe that again ), this threw me together with my (ex Mrs ). Happy days, retrained got new correar and had Mrs I loved and dreams. Mrs being a Kiwi, we hopped back to NZ for next 15 or so years, looking to finally move there for good and have a family and live happily ever after!
Simple hai, well not for me. In all this time and dating back to when i was 16 had a hidden gambling problem. Mrs knew I gambled but not to the extent of my compulsion. We decided on a break 6 years back, she headed to NZ and i remained in London and was to follow in 6months. Well, what happened/ we had made alot of money through property. So in my short break, well I foooooking went of the rails, gambling went up 10fold, cocaine and drink followed. Did manage to finally make it to NZ a year later, pretty shell shocked but back with my soul mate ( my angel, we all have 1 hai ). This continued for the next few years, Mrs staying in NZ and me hopping back to and forth and subsequently digging my hole deeper. Started pushing Mrs away, cowardice but couldnt bring my Mrs down with me and hid my compulsive problem! Foook she fought for us only for me push harder! Complete denial always dream't that things would turn out, well wasn't to be! After 17years together she finally took stock of her life and moved on, now married )-: and for me finally hit rock bottom 18 months ago, no self esteem, no Mrs, no money, no home and gambling/drink/drug issues!! What a fooking waster.
Where am i now? In a shit hole but on the up since last place. Hourly thinking of ex with nightly thoughts of dying. This is my life, will things change? I HOPE | |
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