I have no social life. No close friends. It's depressing. I had one, but then she and her fiance came to live in my house last year and they decided (only after they saw the house when I lived there with someone else, after seeing it with all the other person's stuff gone, after a walk through with the property manager, after living there for 2 weeks) that the house was crap. Left about a month later for me to pick up on the rent and bills and had to wait for a new roommate (which did not happen for months as this is a college town and it was in the middle of the summer this went down). She then tried to blame it all on me and said "You were the bitch, I've only had one roommate, my fiance, you know how I get when things get bad." Like that was an excuse for the way she treated her once best friend. Needless to say, we aren't friends anymore. I do have one other close friend. We're actually quite a bit more than friends. Good luck getting him to admit that though. We've been sleeping with each other exclusively for the last YEAR now. And he still won't officially date me. I won't leave him. I have no one else. I don't want to be alone. If I didn't have him, do any of you really think I won't become that bitter old woman that hates everyone. No, I am 20 years old and never had any sort of relationship with a man other than this and it's not that I haven't tried. It's sad and depressing. Probably why I am so depressed, because I feel like I have no one in my life that is important or to love and love me. I want to get married. I want kids. I want a family. And I really would like to start now. If it doesn't happen now, with him, it won't. If he leaves me and never commits, I'm done. I won't go out and find anyone else. I honestly don't want anyone else. I'd wait forever even if I knew forever would never come. If he doesn't ever commit to me and I lose him, I would become the most unhappy bitter person in the world. But I don't want to be that, but if he doesn't man up soon and commit already, and he leaves me, that's exactly what will happen. I will just become bitter and hate the world. The only person I would have is my sister. She's the only person I can talk to anymore. But half the time she doesn't care to hear it. She has gotten better about that though, which I'm grateful for. But to top it all off, I am supposed to get my period today but have not (yet). I am on the pill and it has been that last Wednesday of the packet every time since like the 2nd month I was on it (which I have been for a year now). What am I going to tell him if I don't get it tomorrow? If I don't get it tomorrow it is definitely going to call for a pregnancy test, considering it has been reliable to count on getting it that last Wednesday and definitely no later than Thursday for a year. Part of me wants a baby now. The only thing that I'm worried about having a baby is the financial responsibility. I honestly will be a great mom when I do have one. And I really want one, and if I don't have one with him, I'll never get one. But the other part of me doesn't know how to tell him, wouldn't want to tell him for the fear of what would happen. Would he leave me just because he doesn't want kids yet? He says he loves me, but would he stay with me through this? Would he not want to deal with the shame of an unplanned pregnancy since we're not "together" officially. Or would it be the excuse he needs to man up and commit? (That's what I hope it is if this happens). What in God's name do I do? | |
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