In the last 6 years I have lost both my parents. Both died within a year and a half of each other, both in early 50's and both without any illness or prior warning. My dad passed first and I dealt with this alright. After my Mum passed I was so busy making sure my younger brother was alright as he was the one who found her and still lived with her that I didn't realise myself losing control of my life.
I've not always had the easiest time in my life. I have always had issues with how I look. However, I have always coped pretty well with humour to not let it show to anyone. One of my earliest memories was a teacher in my school when I was 7 years old, We had an egg decorating competition for Easter and I won. she gave each kid a kiss on the cheek who came 3 rd and 2 nd place. When I had to go stand and collect whatever the prize was she said 'do I have to kiss you?' and from then on I always had a problem with how other people seen me. I had friends at school, mostly girls but I wasn't one of the popular kids.
I coped pretty well through school, after leaving High School when I was 17, I became friends with a few people who I wish i had never but It's all part of growing up in my eyes. I made some mistakes and I got myself in to some weird situations with people but I have always been a genuinely good person. My strong opinions and honesty has always been difficult for some people to understand but I like that side of me and have never felt that I had to change for anyone.
A year after losing my Mum, friends were calling me and texting asking me to go out etc. but I stopped answering them and wanted to stay in all the time. I basically got stoned all day, watched movies back to back, piled on loads of extra weight and basically just stopped living. I had 2 friends that stuck with me through this time, and eventually once I realised how bad it had got, I asked them for help to sort myself out. Together we sorted out my flat, I stopped getting stoned all day etc. but after having problems for the past 3 years with bad neighbours upstairs I decided for my own sanity I had to move.
So i moved home, but during the hectic time of moving home and sorting out my new flat, me and the 2 friends had a misunderstanding and we fell out. For the past 4 months I have been in my home mostly, I do try to go out but sometimes its hard being alone...and I am trying to lose weight but I could use some support and encouragement. I have sometimes been so bored I try to get my little brother to come over just for company. we get on alright but he is 10 years younger than me and has his own life and friends.
Just a few days ago, my best friend who i hadn't spoken to for 5 months contacted me to wish me happy new year, he was drunk and invited himself up to my flat to (what i thought) sort stuff out. We spoke and did some catching up, he knows how messed up i have been but also knows i am making efforts to better myself, but the following day he texted and said 'that was awkward last night, i think we'll just leave it at that' then blocked my number so i was unable to have any response to him. I dont understand his reason for dragging this up when i had pretty much got over the fact that i had lost the 2 friends i had left, only to turn his back on me again....so now i have nobody, my life sucks, i have done so much to recover from how i was after losing my parents, i am still a good person, i think life is beautiful, people not so much, anytime i do things to try and meet people i am treated like a leper so how do i stop this pain? I don't want to die but I don't want this pain and torment, I have had enough :(