All I ever wanted was a "normal" life with a family and friends who cared about me and someone who could love me. It seems that no one can love me and I don't know why. I've been to 3 different therapists, but none of them helped - they don't see what the problem is, and I can't explain it.
I'm a scientist, developing drugs to treat cancer. It's the only thing I've ever been good at. So I try to focus on that, that maybe this is my purpose in life. But it can really hard when everyone I work with is married and has a family - they all leave early on Fridays to go home to their families, and on Mondays they all about the fun stuff they did over the weekend with their family or friends. And I feel so stupid, like such a loser, sitting there, not able to contribute because I don't have anything to add to the conversation. I feel like such a loser. I've felt like that my whole life.
I was the fat kid growing up, the one no one wanted to be friends with. I thought it would get better when I became an adult, when I lost weight. But it hasn’t. I try so hard to be nice to other people. They think I’m “nice”, but they don’t want to be my friend because they already have friends. I feel like I have a big “L” on my forehead that everyone can see but me.
I was married for a while, but it turned out I couldn't have kids, and my ex-husband ended up cheating on me. So we divorced 7 years ago; I dated someone for a year, then he killed himself. It turns out he was still in love with someone that he dated before he met me.
My mom couldn't love me, or love anyone, I get that. She was depressed most of her life and had no idea how to care about others. And now she’s 83 and has dementia, so I'm taking care of her. Nice. Who's going to take care of me? It looks like I'll live the rest of my life alone and die alone. I'm 47 now, and I can't imagine feeling like this for another 30-40 years. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that my cats depend on me. What a fulfilling life.
What is there to hope for when your whole life has been crap? | |
Keep trying to find that man, he has to be around. No kid to look after you? No, you will have if you adopt one now, go check out the Sandra Bullock film The Blind Side. However you need to start a family with a man first. Try to do that in this year, then adopt a teenager with him.
Well, must be hard to be a mother when you are old and inexperienced, but I am sure your medically scientific mind can handle it. At least you are qualified to explain puberty effect on the mind to your teenager son or daughter. Remember that you know how much it sucks to a medical scientist or drug designer, so you will aviod the repeat of history this time around.
New Comment