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Feeling alone

Posted by anonymous at January 9, 2012
Tags: 2012 January  Loneliness

I am a 24 year old white male 6ft tall. I was born in a house with a psychopathic mother who left my family in chaos with my sister becoming trailer trash, and my brother ending up in a mental institution I don't feel like much is expected of me in this life. I was raised with a single father and my brother, so just 3 men in a small apartment was my whole childhood. I don't suffer any mental illness though both my siblings do. I feel like I was in the middle of a very crazy family, but nobody noticed me. I observed lots of mental and physical abuse, though I never received it. I am told by many people I know and meet, that I am very intelligent, yet I dropped out of high school due to poor grades, and have been failing at community college ever since. I have never had a girlfriend in my life, nor been on a date. I am not gay and very attracted to women, but I still end up pushing them away.

So I am now 24 and live in an apartment with a roommate and hold a dead end job. I spend 95% of my free time just sitting in my bedroom watching tv or playing a video game, and even though my life is so boring and pointless, for whatever reason I go to golds gym and lift heavy weight 3 times per week, that being the other 5% of my free time. On the outside I appear as an attractive, clean cut tall white man. Yet on the inside I feel like a fat little kid that wants to hide in a room all day and talk to nobody.

The few times a woman has been brave enough to approach me, with my permanent scowl on my face, and go as far as to touch me in anyway, I would freak out and pull away as if I had just been stuck with a cattle prod. Even when someone tries to get inside, I just push away and go back to my cave. I don't know if this life sucks exactly, since i have no responsibilities other than myself, but this life feels very pointless, and I have dreams about dying in a hospital without ever being visited once.


Votes:


Similar Entries:
God, I wish I could buy vodka on my own February 19, 2012
Alone July 1, 2012
lifesucks January 15, 2012
Lonely December 22, 2011
depression April 9, 2012



New Comment

Comments:
By kifi4@hotmail.com at 03,Feb,12 22:11

Find some gaming friends on gumtree do com. Start playing the league of legends. Become a gym instructor of a personal trainer. Start conversation with other loner in your gym and hit the gym with them next time.

Use www.gumtree.com/(YOURCITY)


By anonymous at 03,Feb,12 23:55

Notice yourself. It seems you are preoccupied with 'others' you can
Knowledge many things about yourself but mostly in relation to how others perceive you. It seems to me you have high hopes for yourself which you are not living up to, thus your frustration. Figure out exactly WHAT it is you want, a girlfriend? A sexual relationship? A well paid job? An outgoing social life? Leave that comfort zone and explore...


By anonymous at 03,Feb,12 23:57

Notice yourself. It seems you are preoccupied with 'others' you have acknowledged many things about yourself but mostly in relation to how others perceive you. It seems to me you have high hopes for yourself which you are not living up to, thus your frustration. Figure out exactly WHAT it is you want, a girlfriend? A sexual relationship? A well paid job? An outgoing social life? Leave that comfort zone and explore...


By anonymous at 04,Feb,12 04:03

I think you have a hard time opening up...because you've been hurt so many times. You've had to deal with the pressure of family life, as well as trying to figure out what you want to do with your life. I kind of understand that. Thing is, you don't need to make yourself someone you aren't. I mean, yea there may be some things you need to deal with, but remember that you can't achieve much right away, everything takes time. So don't give up on yourself.


By tanya at 04,Feb,12 20:07

this makes me sad...


By at 05,Feb,12 14:32

You are being very hard on yourself. Perhaps you feel guilty that other people in your life have had difficulty and so you are subconsciously sabotaging your own social life out of a sense of guilt.

Whatever the cause you need to start taking small steps to integrate yourself with others. It sounds like you are still in community college (hurrah! Don't give it up, a degree will open so many doors). Perhaps join a study group? This will improve your grades and get you around other people. Try to start with a subject you actually like rather than just one that is convenient. If you love to write try getting together with some others that write too. The school may even have activity groups such as a poetry reading club, theater club, mechanics club, etc. Try joining.

Does your city ever have a Comic-con? You say you like video games maybe they will have a relevant convention. It's best to try out friendships with like minded people. Girls too.

When you approach a girl if the atmosphere isn't right to ask her out, try befriending her first. Tell her she did a good job answering a question in class, that you also like the music she listens to, that you like the sticker on her backpack, that you think her glasses are really retro-chic, etc. Ask questions too. Be yourself and be honest about your interests. But try to be a little smooth too. Often girls are waiting for an ice breaker. You may find one that will ask you out!

Try attending a singles night or five minute date get together. It'll be good for you to learn how to flirt and you'll probably get a date out of it. Remember, dating is supposed to be fun. So is life. Don't be so hard on yourself and don't set too many overly specific goals. Try to get 'a' girlfriend, not a specific girl, etc.

You'll be fine. :)


By at 06,Feb,12 10:01

this made me sad :( youre a guy you shouldnt be like that. i know youve been through a lot more than i can imagine.. but i hope you wont waste your youth because of what happened in the past because its just affecting your present.. try to socialize with other people. there are good people youll meet for sure. and try to have fun.. dont hide and stay in your place all the time. try to have fun outside. :) please? (from a concerned stranger girl)


By check out these guys! at 15,Oct,13 23:51

xlefCQ Wow, great blog post.Really looking forward to read more. Keep writing.


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