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Posted by anonymous at April 17, 2010
Tags: Abuse  2010 April  Independent circumstances  Family

I am living at the edge of Hell. The bare brink of insanity but yet enough to keep my sane. The bare minimum of torturing until my mind shatters from agony. My brother and sister died before I was 7. My drunken failure of a stepdad use to rape and abuse my mom. I didn't get it as bad as my mother because she always stepped in eventually we dropped everything and ran away. I didn't learn english or come to america til I was already in 3rd grade. I've been to 6 highschools throughout my life and it ended with me dropping out. I was abandoned by my mother once and sent to a relatives house to live for 15 months. It felt like nobody believed in me and my relatives all treated me like I was a burden. It was hard making friends when you are constantly moving. I was expelled in middleschool for 'selling weed' even though I was holding it for a friend which is my fault I suppose. Girls approach me with half hearted offers of love only to find new boyfriends and further show me how alone I am. I see people everywhere living normal and happy lives. Its hurts so much. I curl up in a ball and cry until I fall asleep clinging and praying to god for help. There is no God. I've already tried to kill myself but couldnt go through with it. I am always being compared to my older brother. He gets good grades, he works a decent job. I DONT GIVE A FUCK. Im not him. I never knew my real father and I dont really care, just add it to the list of crap. I wish I could disapear. I only see all the negative things now, where did things go wrong, Why me? I am 20 years old now, a dropout, a virgin, jobless, living at a friends house, addicted to cigarettes and living at the edge of hell.


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New Comment

By anonymous at 18,Apr,10 02:12

Familiar story. I had a similar hellish life until I was 22. I got through it by listening to good music and finding a hobby that would keep me happy.
Hint: maybe you are trying to please others when you should be trying to please yourself. You will never have friends until you actually like yourself. Find a way to like yourself for who you are. Everybody is unique and has some potential.

By anonymous at 18,Apr,10 04:55

don't worry about being a virgin at 20. If youre 30 THEN you can worry, but it sounds like you are right on track. I lost my virginity at 24, and most people I know lost theirs between 18-26. Life is hard and it does suck. It's not easy. The people you think you see that are living normal happy lives are dealing with their own hells, but they are just hiding it better.
By anonymous at 23,Apr,10 23:29

Who do you hang with? 18-26? Most of the people I know have had sex by 15.
By anonymous at 13,Sep,10 17:51

thx for making me feel even worse about myself

By anonymous at 19,Apr,10 17:46

Before you kill yourself, do something extreme. Rob a bank, kill your worst enemy, or walk across the length of Africa. Why not do one of those things if you're going to just kill yourself anyway?

By anonymous at 20,Apr,10 14:32

You're still only 20, so yeah, even though it sucks right now, and the economy isn't helping much, you got to get creative and pull that ball of meat out ur ass and get with it man. You can be sure, always thinking about yourself, and your problems, and your failures, is whats causing ur loop of negativity. Stop the self examining of ur life, and take a minute to get real with yourself, you'll be alright, find a job, bud, to get some cash flowing, and get ur own place. Then you can live like a lone wolf if you want, but you will be alot happier. And I'm pretty sure, you're gonna get laid soon, too.

By anonymous at 26,May,10 17:03

desperate to lose ur virginity huh !!

By Jordan 10 at 19,Dec,14 06:49

Aku kemudiannya mengunci basikal kesayanganku. Cinta yang sentiasa membawa kebahagiaan kepada hati, =).¡°no thank you!¡± kata hayati yang dipanggil ?? apa yang akan si kecil ini teriakkan padaku disaat ia perlukanku.ibu mak ummi mama suamiku hanya tersenyum melihat gelagatku sambil memberi ciuman kasih didahikulamunanku menjadi semakin indah hari demi hariku usap perutku setiap waktuku bisikkan kata-kata indah pada bayiku teramat sayang padamu wahai anakku.sebelum jenazah anakku disemadikan sempat kusisipkan photo aku bersama suami di balutan putih tubuh kecil anakku.sempat jua ku ambil bekas-bekas kain putih itu yang dipotong untuk kusimpan sebagai pengubat rindu

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